Dear Grandma,
It's Christmas Eve today and if the week hands me one more challenge I might possibly have to light something on fire. Don't worry though, that's a pretty common threat from me and I have yet to follow through. I've had so many frusterations with work this week I am going to bypass the subject completely. It would be a waste of time and it will only make me have to talk about it more. I have the blues and I knew I would. It's the first Christmas I have missed with my family since I have lived in Omaha, not that it will be "missed" just delayed. The traditions of Christmas Eve on Mary street are some of my favorites of all the year. I wish I was back home, having supper, going to church, opening presents - but I wll be here, nuring my sick kidneys and babysitting my pager all while anticipating the "bad" weather. I put that in quotations because some of these Nebraskans are whack jobs when it comes to weather and like dad said earlier this week "They panic and we South Dakotans get a six pack, put in a beatles cd and try to get the car stuck."

I wish I had more positive things to say this time around. I'm just really bummed and frusterated. The scare I had with my kidneys this morning has me paranoid and having the PA tell me that they would be concerned about cancer if I were a 60 year old overweight smoker. I know I'm not, but if there is one word that I would prefer never hear it's that one.

That being said, it's Christmas. I'm lucky to have a wonderful family, great friends. Christmas is when you make it and I am certainly looking foward to hitting the interstate on Wednesday to head home to celebrate the holidays with my family. It's just hard to watch everyone around here doing just that. I am thankful though, and I definitely shouldn't complain.

On the bright side I thought of somehting. This year I can spend Christmas with you. Because this year nobody can take that from me. So I'll see you on my couch this evening for a stack of Red Box movies.

Love you
Merry Christmas
Kristen

Dear Grandma,

I know it's been entirely too long since I've written. The holidays and the winter has been keeping me pretty busy and on top of all of that my computer got a virus. It's amazing that even technology gets sick. I am lucky enough to have a friend who's job is to take care of all of that, so he was able to fix the problem. Thank goodness he did, because Lord knows I would never have figured out and would have likely thrown my computer off the roof in the attempt.

Any break we thought we had gotten from winter this year was taken from us this past week. The snow hit Omaha - and hard - last Wednesday. So hard in fact that my roomate and I (and many other people) were stranded at home all day. Even my four wheel drive SUV couldn't make it through our street. I spent 20 minutes trying to get it back on the driveway after it had stubbornly planted itself in the middle of Franklin Street. The tires were spinnin' and the snow a'flyin...but she wasn't moving. Instead of risking our lives and sanity trying to get to work, Abby and I spent the afternoon in front of the fireplace watching movies and waiting for the snow plow. It was like the snow days we used to have in high school except I wasn't able to go back to bed and sleep until noon. Dang you adulthood and the fact that my body is programmed to be awake before 6 am. I couldn't even tell you how much snow we got, but it DUMPED snow for an entire day, and then spent another day blowing it into drifts across the streets of Omaha. It. was. a. mess. This week we've reached a new chapter "freezing drizzle and moron drivers." Please remind me again why I live in Nebraska.

This past weekend mom and dad were in town for mom's birthday. For months mom and I had dad believing they were coming to Omaha to celebrate mom's birthday - which was partially true. The "Surprise concert" that we were "taking mom" to was actually a surprise Beatles concert for dad. He was not especially excited to come all the way to Omaha to go out for supper, and boy was he surprised. I got him =) He thought for sure his birthday ended on the east coast...he's not the only one who can pull of secrets. =) We spent Saturday shopping and went out to eat for mom's birthday. It was a great weekend and I'm so happy they took the whole weekend and spent it with me. I'm certainly lucky.

Christmas is quickly approaching as is my dreaded week on call. Things are looking up though, there are going to be more people in Omaha over Christmas than I thought, one of my friends even invited me to eat with her family for Christmas. It still won't quite be the same and I will be missing my family, but it's nice to know I have options to keep myself occupied. Ive got my decorations up, my presents wrapped and have finally begun to get in the spirit, but, Christmas won't be Christmas for me until I'm home In Parkston with my family. I finally have Grandpa's star in Omaha. I remember the year we moved out of the house on 2nd and elm street - and away from the pretty star that hung on the street light on the corner each Christmas. I remember when you and Grandpa visited and presented me with my very own star for Mary street. That star now hangs on the wall in my duplex.

Things have really been going well with the exception of the general work frustrations. I'm happy and parts of my life that have seemed to be missing something are beginning to fill themselves in. I'm optimistic about the next year...hoepfully this will be the year I look back at and don't say "Boy, 2010 really blew." I've got high expectations. =)

I thought - very specifically - about you today at work. I remembered the day you came to the shop ... the first time I saw you after we found out you were sick. I rememvber the big smile on your face when you saw me and I remember the the hug where you squeezed me tighter than I thought your strength allowd. It's a great memory of a very difficult visit. My goodness I miss you.I thought of you again when I had a dipped Ritz (and then another). I'd give anything to make part of my trip to South Dakota in a couple weeks a detour through Amrour. But there's nothing worth seeing anymore in Armour....

I love you,
Kristen

I included a picture of my star from Grandpa, I thought he'd like to see it.

Dear Grandma,
Judging by the multitude of Christmas music on the radio and the fact that I finally got out my winter coat this morning, I would say it's safe to say the holiday season is here. We've skidded through Thangsgiving without any snow and pretty decent temperatures, so it's hard to believe Christmas is only a few weeks away. My christmas won't come until December 30th this year as I am on call through the actual holiday. I feel like I haven;t been back to South dakota in so long and I'm missing it especially right now - so I hope time does fly. I'm hoping that pushing our family Christmas back a week won't ruin it for everyone, I hope it still seems like Christmas. I was invited by a friend to her house on Christmas and I'll probably take her up on it granted I'm not at the hospital all day. Even if I am, I suppose it's ok. If I have to babysit my pager over Christmas 250 miles away from family, I would prefer to be busy and get the best out of the situation. And by that, I mean, a big fat check.

Although it only lasted for about an hour, we had our first glimpse of snow last night while I was running. It was those big fluffy flakes that basically splatter when they hit your face and melt as soon as they hit the ground - the pretty kind, and the kind that does not require to be shoveled from my driveway or scraped from my windshield - my favorite kind. Abby and I went to Target when I got home to get some more Christmas decorations for the duplex. I'm hoping to have some free time in between calls this weekend to get it all up. Mom is bringing the star Grandpa made me next weekend when her and dad come to Omaha. Now that I know I'll probably be in Omaha for awhile I feel like I can finally bring it here. It's my very favorite Christmas decoration and I will always remember the year he made it for me.

I spent some time over with my friend Blair this week and her sweet brand new little baby. I'm happy she'll be in town a couple nights a week because I certainly miss her being at work. I snuggled Baby Bristol for a couple hours, I forget how tiny babies are when they're first born. It's fun to watch Willow be a big sister..I can't wait until I can see Miss Hannah be a big sister. She's so sweet, I know she'll be great at it.

Please watch over all of us with all the traveling we're going to be doing over the next month or so. I guess I don't have numerous stops to make anymore, I suppose Christmas will take on entirely new traditions now and that's probably okay. We made your dipped ritz over Thanksgiving and mom promised to keep them until Christmas, I can't wait to fill my belly with them.

I'm trying to remind myself the things I'm thankful for (I truly do have so many), 'tis the season, afterall.

Love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
It's Thanksgiving - the first Thanksgiving we've had without you. We're in Illinios and we started our journey from Omaha last night with thoughts of you heavy on our minds. We knew something was missing already in the car ride and had to fill the void with a bag of red licorice we hunted down at a gas station at 10:30 pm. Even the smell of licorice makes us think of you.

It's been a great day which started this morning with a little pre-training training for the marathon - a 6 mile run around Jason and Tonya's community. This time last year we were spending our first holiday with the knowledge that our holidays with you were numbered. We called you last Thanksgiving and passed the phone around the room. Dad and I talked about this more than once. It's amazing that even things so small as a simple phone call can hold such a residence in our memories. But as I've said before - I think it's more the lack of opportunity that makes it such a reality now.


The Thanksgiving feast was probably one of the best I've had, a "my jeans don't fit the way they did three hours ago" kind of perfection. Tonya mastered Banana Cream pie again and I swear if I put my mind to it I could finish one of those on my own. I fear that someday someone will bet me to do it, becuase that's a bet I could never turn down. So, here we sit, a bit miserably, planning our Black Friday outings. Mom, Tonya and I are mapping out our route of attack as the boys simply sit back and roll their eyes. I think it's more about the thrill and the bonding than anything else to be honest - but it's a tradition we've all come to love. I'm not typically into shopping but somehow I am able to make an exception for it this one day out of the year. And I'm pretty used to being up at the crack of dawn, so that doesn't bother me one bit.

Saturday is our annnual all day baking extravaganza. I've added dipped Ritz to our endless list of recipes because next to licorice and banana bread they're a goodie that reminds me of you - one that I mostly remember having from you. I'm looking foward to it, but in my current "post turkey status", am dreading the cookie dough induced tummy ache I will have from it. This year mom got us all (including Miss Hannah) aprons and slippers for the big event. Hannah's pretty stinkin' cute in that mini apron - I gotta tell ya.

I hope you're doing something fun up there for the holiday, and I hope you have had the time in your busy day to sneak down and visit all of us if only for a minute or two. There are people all over who are hoping you're around.

Hannah wanted to leave a little message in this letter, so this is from her:
3(
2
3
44444443

=)
Love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
I got called in at 3 am and on the drive into work I was thinking of you. I'm not sure what triggered it this time, but I was so lost in the thought that I never even turned the radio on. At 3 am, the radio and the ac on full blast are usually a requirement. Sometimes I even have to call the Parkston Hospital with the hope that mom is working nights to help wake me. I don't even remember what I was thinking about to be honest, but what I do remember is that when my thought had fizzled I realized how often I think of you still. I'm starting to feel the part of a loss when it gets harder than it was in the beginning. When everyone has forgotten and moved on with their lives and you're still stuck there with something missing..this empty hole that gets deeper everytime you realize you can never ever fill it. Although things may make it seem a little more shallow every now and then...what used to be there is now gone. And this is a brutal reality.

We've got a brand new, beautiful wing on 6th floor in the hospital. There are a couple in construction actually, but 6th east is finally complete. Each time a co-worker would go portable to this floor they would talk of how beautiful and spacious it is. I, like everyone else who hadn't been there, was excited to get a chance to go up there...to scan a patient without having to do serious furniture moving to allow enough room for our machine, to see the updated look of rooms that weren't built and decorated in the 1980s. I had overlooked one fact, a fact that hit me in the face the minute I walked into my patients room. When I walked in to scan my 50 year old patient who was without any hair anywhere on her face or head I quickly remembered where I was - the oncology floor. Of all the places in this medical center, there is nothing I hate more than oncology...nothing that makes me angrier than cancer. And as I had an everyday conversation about the episode of "The View" she was watching, I reminded myself - this woman is 50 years old. Do people with cancer get some huge rush of positivity? I'm thankful your battle with cancer was a short one - shorter than all the others I've seen in my family. I'm thankful you lived a long, happy and hopefully very rewarding life. I'm happy to have learned so much from you. But I'm so bitter - so very bitter that cancer has to exist. And so angry it happens to so many wonderful people. And each person I meet with cancer - young or old, male or female; becomes very personal for me. I'm so thankful for your strength and know of all that goes along with it - this is the part I need to grab hold of and learn something from.

Love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
It's Tuesday morning, nearly the middle of November and almost time to face the holidays. I'm not dreading the holidays, I'm just not looking foward to them like I normally would. I'll still get to see the people that mean the world to me, even if it won't be on the holiday - but the holidays are when you make them, right? But holidays are also going to be a brutal reminder that someone is missing for the first time. At the same time, I didn't have an opportunity to spend my last Christmas with my last grandparent. It burned then, it burns a whole lot more now. I'm sure that on Christmas day when I am sitting on my couch with a lonely cup of coffee waiting for my pager to go off (or running like mad) you'll be there with me. I hope you will, anyway. I can't be angry about something that I've known all along to be part of my job and am lucky to have a family who is used to such a work schedule, lets just say I'll be happy next year when I know I've taken my turn. Mom has to work, too. I'm sure dad and Buddy will spend their Christmas eve watching Titanic or Down Periscope, Liar Liar...you know, one of those movies that they play on TBS at the same time everynight, back to back, for weeks on end. And he'll love it just like it's the first time he's ever seen it. That being said, I'm sure I'll pop in a movie I've seen a hundred times and laugh harder than the first time I've seen it, because I really am that easily entertained. Hopefully the week that follows we'll be able to celebrate Christmas as we always have, not even realizing the date.

My nexy couple months are so busy I feel like I may as well just hit the ground running. It's good to be busy, but it can be so exhausting at the same time. Thank God for 10 hour shifts that allow for a day off or I might never have clean laundry. In the next two weeks (starting yesterday) I am taking eight days of call. I am about as excited for this as I was to get my wisdom teeth out. I'll probably consume the same amount of ice cream I did for that also. It's a good time for it, I suppose, so you may as well just bring on the calls Bergan Mercy Medical Center.

I spent the weekend in Illinios and it was such a great idea. A very mellow weekend, but just exactly what I needed. I got there in the afternoon on Friday..we hung out, had supper (at which Miss Tonya made my very favorite cheesy corn) and just relaxed. Saturday was a day of shopping and pedicures for me and Tonya. It's not very often than Tonya and I are able to spend time together just the two of us, and we had a lot of catching up to do. She's such a great friend. Hannah is growing up so fast but she is such a fun little girl. I wish you could see her say "HI!" give kisses and torment the dog. Even if she does stick my whole entire nose in her mouth for a kiss, I'll take whatever I can get. =) She doesn't say a lot of words in "our language" yet, but she talks nonstop. She also does that little baby sign language - which makes me realize she's bilingual and already smarter than me.

I know that your banana bread production would be at it's peak right now and I sure am missing it. I can taste it just thinking about it - but I think it's more the theory behind it..and what the lack of it really means.

...I've missed you every minute since you've left.

Love, Kristen

Dear Grandma,
I'm sorry it's been a couple weeks since you have heard from me. I can't believe how quickly a schedule can fill up, but I suppose it's nice to have things to do and people to do them with. But it does leave you feeling like you can never catch up, and why I have any reason to even complain I don't know...I don't have anyone to worry about except myself and yet I find myself running crazy sometimes.

The weather has been pretty tolerable this week although the fact that it's dark so early now keeps me from appreciating it as much as I should. We're suppose to have beautiful days this weekend which should be perfect for my trip to Illinios. I'm so looking foward to this...we don't have much planned outside of some quality time and some Christmas shopping, but sometimes the best plans are one that aren't plans at all. I hate to constantly wish my life away, but I am certainly counting down the days this week. It's not very often that Tonya and I get time to just the two of us, but I'm lucky to have her and thankful she's close enough that I can do this. I'm excited to see Jason too, but for the sake of maintaining the assumption that we're siblings and could care less I'll pretend it's just part of the deal. I've got a good brother, even if he is currently in a shaving boycott and looks borderline homeless. =) Just Kidding. I'm excited to see how much Miss Hannah has grown and hope she is in good spirits after her weekend of ear infections and broken bones =( I'll tell ya, a picture of a one year old smiling behind her bink despite her fresh cast makes you realize things are only as bad as you make them. What a sweet little honey.

I still work in a hospital which seems to be full of hypocrits that seem to care about nothing but money despite the "mission", but I suppose it doesn't make me love what I do any less - just makes me consider going to happy hour 93% of the time (even though I never actually follow through). It'll get better, It'll get better, It'll get better.....tomorrow WILL be better. Unfortunately, tomorrow for Alegent Health seems to take 12 months and counting. So in the meantime I stand for what I believe and drink a WHOLE lotta coffee.

This past weekend I finally got to see Allison and realized how much I miss talking to her. It's amazing how you let great people in your life fade away without realizing it because you get "too busy". Luckily, four years later, we started off right where we left off and nothing had changed. I need to remind myself not to let that happen again....with anyone..

There is some place I need you to be this weekend and I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. A lot of people need you there, actually. I can't be there and I don't know that I should if I could even if I wanted to. Be a reminder to those who need one and encouragement for those who need to stand their ground. Because some things get entirely too out of hand and people seem to forget what's important and what's right.

I'm freezing at work today, but the leaves are yellow and falling like snow, and it's hard to be cranky about something so beautiful...

I really wish we didn't have to face the holidays without you.

Love you,
Kristen

Ps. My dad is on facebook and mom sent me an email. All in one day. I love the fact that my parents are getting in tune with technology as much as the next guy. I'm just afraid that hell is freezing over or that pigs are flying somewhere. =) But it does make communication a whole lot easier so if you had a hand on this thanks (but I hope you know what you've gotten yourself into. =)

....I found a letter under the seat in my car. With loving messages in handwriting that we all struggled to read...this word is one that cannot be mistaken. It's now the signature of an angel, something I will cherish forever.

Dear Grandma,
Well, I think it is safe to say that it's officially fall, although somedays it has felt more like winter. The weekend's weather was much more desirable than the days that preceeded it, I, however was entirely too devoted to my sweatpants and couch to spend much time enjoying it. It had been a very long week and this is what I had decided to do with my weekend, who am I to go against my word? The most of this weather I had the chance to enjoy was during my trip to Target and other piddly errands I had to run. I can't even say that I regret missing out on it much. Sometimes, there is a lot to be said about relaxing at home with nothing to worry about but the buzzer on the dryer. I did leave the house Saturday night to watch some movies with a friend - in sweatpants, of course. But here we are at Monday again, and already I find myself wishing the week away. I have a lot to do this week, though. Aside from being on call, I have a lot of things to do around the house. I'm sure you remember my friend Allison from Yankton - she sang at my confirmation, has a voice you could never forget. It's been 5 years since I've seen her, I swear, and finally we have worked out a weekend that works for both of us for her to visit Omaha. I'm looking forward to it so much. She's just one of those friends that you need to see sometimes. I need to see her, and from the way it sounds, she needs to see me, too.

So, I think I'm going to start running half marathons...with the goal to someday run a marathon. It's a little far off, but some friends and I are planning to run a half down the Las Vegas strip in February of 2011. This gives us time to plan the trip, and hopefully get in decent shape to finish the race. There are all kinds of races in the Omaha/Lincoln area between now and then...so hopefully this will helo. I have no problem running this far on my own, but the thought of having to do it on someone else's watch - well, it's always made me nervous. But, I figure, running has always been a mind game for me, I think it is for everyone, really. So if I put my mind to it, I can do it, right? I see a multitude of ice baths in my future. And the only way I'm agreesing to this is if we go out some place fabulous to eat afterward. They'd cancel each other out right? My mom always says if you eat a snickers and drink a diet pepsi it's like you never ate the snickers at all. So I think my theory is completely legit.

I had a dream about you a couple nights ago. It was one of those really strange dreams where you wake up thinking it was life and not a dream at all. I could see, hear, ...smell you, so very clearly. The weird thing is we were talking about heaven and what you thought of it. You weren't alive and we both knew that, but you were talking to me about things I would ask you if I had the chance. I wonder, maybe we really did talk in my dreams? I hope so. And even if we didn't, I'd rather go on believing we did, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. I hope you stop in again.

I love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
It's been a busy couple weeks in Omaha. It's only Tuesday and already I am looking forward to the weekend. I could use a Saturday of movies and coffee. The weather we have been having makes it even harder to peel off the covers and crawl out of bed in the morning. It just seems so cruel! The first round of snow never puts me in an especially jolly mood, and having the first snow the second weekend in October is a bit of a sick joke. The weather men say it is suppose to be much warmer next week and I hope they're right.

My old roomates Jessica and Justin were married this weekend and it was probably the most fun I've had in awhile. It was 20 degrees for much of the day and that was certainly unfortunate to say the least, but it was a blast anyway. When you're surrounded with so many fun, wonderful people, it's almost impossible to let something as silly as cold bring that down. The hair on my legs may have started to grow the second I walked outside, and I may have to carry tissues with me everywhere I go this week, but it was all worth it. As always, you weren't forgotten either. I requested the song "Crystal Chandelier" to dance with dad, and even though I pretty much hung on his shoulder and bawled like a four year old, we made it through. I knew it would be sad, I was sure I would cry, but it was certainly worth it anyway.

Hannah was home with Jason and Tonya and sure has developed quite the personality. She's usually giggles or fits, and there isn't much in between, but happy or not, she's so much fun. She still doesn't say much, but has started using sign language. She's already smarter than me and she doesn't even talk. It's pretty interesting when your 18 month old niece speaks in a language you don't understand and you have to ask your parents to translate. When she is old enough to write me letters, I fear she'll write them in brail...then what will I do?

My friend Blair is six weeks away from being a mama for the second time. With daddy Phil working 5 weeks on/ 5 weeks off in Saudi Arabia as a driller, I know I have to be on my game. If he's not here when Baby Bristol decides to make her debut, Aunt Kristen takes his place. She's been my best friend in Omaha since I moved here, and I've been as much of a substitute parent as I know how, I just hope I can follow through this time as well. And I'll have to, it's why God gives you friends. Help me be what she needs me to be.

The holidays are around the corner, and I don't think for a second they aren't going to be difficult. I've never gone a holiday without seeing you one way or another and have planned vacations from work accordingly. I wonder how holidays in the future will unfold, but I suppose we'll see. It's amazing how some of my friends have to manage all their holiday time between grandparents and great grandparents, and I don't even have one. Seems a little unfair, really. But I try to appreciate what I do have, because even without any grandparents I still have so much to be thankful for, and more than some. But it's still unfair.

I Love You,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
After a nonstop weekend in Omaha, I spent Sunday doing what the Lord says we're suppose to do on Sundays - I rested. If these directions included eating Ben and Jerry's by the pint, well then, I followed them perfectly. I had plans each and every minute of the weekend it seemed. I left work Friday to visit Bekka and Brian, shared a few much needed laughs with them and then left to meet some work friends for drinks and some weird Spanish appetizers. I can't get behind squid and snails, I'm sorry, no matter how classy the names are that have been given them. Saturday I ran errands until it was time to head over to the bachelorette party of my previous roomate Jessica. More appetizers, more drinks and games involving Playdo, broomsticks and rolls of toilet paper. I have some mad playdo sculpting skills, that's for sure.

I will tell you that I'm a bit discouraged. I wish petty drama wouldn't take precedence to what is more important. And above all, I wish that, for once, people would stand back and take a look at true issues and those that are maybe a minor misunderstanding. What's important is that I know you're greatest wish is for your family to get along and simply be a family. People are taken from this earth unexpectadly everyday. There's always tomorrow, we can always fix it later, so then what happens when we can't? You're right. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will always be better. But tomorrow is a gift, it's not a guarantee, it's not a given right. Which is exactly why it's so important to not take advantage of today. Get over what doesn't matter, work through the things that do. Grow up. Move on. It's our responsibility to built our own support systems, God just gives us a starter kit...a family. But even a starter kit is nothing if we don't read the instuctions and follow them.

I'm not ready for the week to start. Starting at 530pm on Monday until 7am on the following Monday I have to babysit that blasted pager. Don't get me wrong, I could use a few callbacks, but I'll be ever so grateful when it's over. Then I'll have a week to recover, to catch up on sleep and I can finally head home. I haven't been there in what seems like forever and am anxious to spend time with mom, dad, Jason and Tonya, Miss Hannah and don't forget Buddy! There will be a lot of people at this wedding that I am looking forward to spending time with. A lot of people I either work with or have worked with in Omaha and it will be great to introduce them to the family they all probably feel like they already know. I hope Omaha is ready for a small town wedding. It's not like the city business they're all used to. We'll show them how to party, and they'll never be the same.

Thank you for listening, as you have always done so well. I wish you were part of my South Dakota agenda, but you know I'll keep you well informed of the details. Thank you especially for all the strength and confidence you've given me. I thought that after you were gone I'd have to find a new penpal to fill the void. You're still the best penpal I've ever had. I still get a response, just in a very different way. I hope I recieve it the way you intended me to and I hope I take it and do with it what you had in mind.

I love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandpa,
I wanted to wish you happy birthday today. I am sure this is a wonderful day for Grandma, she has missed you for so many of your birthdays, what a blessing that she is finally able to spend it with you. I'm sure you're all dressed in blue (Co-Op pants and that pale blue collared shirt) and I'm sure you smell like Old Spice. Do something great today, pick all your grandkids some Spaghettios if you get a chance. Make Grandma smile. (I'm sure she's done so much smiling her cheeks are about to crack!). Dance with her, crystal chanderlier. I'm sure it's silly for me to be even telling you all this, I'm certain this is what you have been doing the last few months. But today, it's very comforting to picture you doing just this. It makes living life without you guys a bit easier.

Love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
It's Sunday morning as I write this and am overwhelmed with thoughts of you. Everday on my igoogle account I get new quotes. Some are pretty stupid, some funny, and some smack me right in the face as they are exactly what I'm thinking that day. One of them today, made me think of you and your ever popular quote which has been my personal motivation since you started saying it every single day. It came from someone I have never heard of, but from a blog...ironic? "Even in the darkness, every color can be found. And every day of rain brings water flowing to things growing in the ground." It's kind of an extension of "...tomorrow will be better."...no? Maybe you put it there today for me to see.

Somehow this morning I also stumbled upon pictures of you, some from your trip to Nebraska over Christmas. You were sick then already, but even then I didn't think I'd see the days without you so soon. Isn't it weird that you've now been up there the same amount of time we had with you after we got the news...and still...I'm not used to it. I regret not bringing you to Omaha. I wish I could have shown you where I live, but I'm sure you can see it now - although for me - it's not the same. I was thinking the other day of a trip I'm making back to South Dakota in October. I'll be home a few extra days for a wedding and in the back of my mind I was thinking of making a trip to Armour...as I used to try to do when I came home. Even though the fact that you're not in Armour anymore is very present in my mind - sometimes still - it escapes me for a minute. It's little thought like this that make it harder. So, the few seconds of planning a motorcycle trip to Armour with my dad before the snow fell was snapped away with brutal reality. Although a motorcycle trip should still be lined up while the weather still permits, we'll have to find another destination. Ice Cream, I suppose. Even if ice cream is a poor substitute...it'll have to do.

I've had a busy weekend, jet lag or not, I kept moving. Saturday morning I had to work .. a screening for the public. So I went for a run early and then we went in on a day off to do some brief carotid, aortic and peripheral screenings on mostly healthy individuals. It went quick but I was tired. This didn't stop me from hitting Papio trail with my bike for two hours to follow. It's going to be cold soon, and this will be only the second time I have been on my bike this summer. Sometimes I take this nice weather for granted, so I am trying to take advantage of it while we still have it. I then ran some much needed errands; wedding gifts, groceries, and the biggest bag of Dunkin' Doughnuts coffee grounds I could find. (some advice from my precious east coast family and my mama - GREAT recommendation). I then finally made it home for a second movie night with my roomate Abby. I needed a weekend like this.

And this gets us to Sunday. Sleeping in til 8:30, cereal in bed, coffee, pajamas until I absolutely have to put on real clothes to face the world (which I may never do). It's the perfect cure for jet lag. And so is a letter to my Grandma. I hope you share these with all those others I'm missing in heaven. Over coffee and kuchen, maybe?

Somebody brought those orange wafer cookies to work this week. You used to have all three but the minute I tasted them I was taken back to your house. I ate damn near that entire package too. In fact. I got a little crabby when other people ate them, sorta like they were suppose to be mine. Then I remembered they weren't mine at all. They were all doing my thighs and bum a favor by eating some, too. =) Either way, small memories of you are literally everywhere, and they probably always have been. They've just never hit me so hard until now.

I love you,
I hope you stopped in for coffee with me this morning. You're always welcome.
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
It's been longer than usual that I've written last, but it does not go without good reason. I landed another afternoon in the ER. Same story, different day. Except this time it took the help of my brother and his wife to get me home from Des Moines, where they were vacationing and I was visiting a friend. I don't regret visiting, even tho I did end up being struck with a misfortune that is becomming far to habitual, but I do regret the fact that I had to call upon Jason and Tonya to get me back to Omaha - a two hour trip, which ended up robbing 4 hours from their trip. I regret it, but am very fortunate all in the same. A phone call from my brother and a hug from my sister in law made me realize they were doing this because they wanted to be there for me, and it put me at ease -as it always does - to have such wonderful people to call family. This incident added more stress to the pot as we had a big event coming, but 5 days later I passed that little bastard to follow through with one of the greatest surprises I was ever included in.

It was dad's idea, a master plan, something that will forever make him proud and something I will never forget. A simple brotherly birthday, but the trip in itself was so much more. This trip brought together family, a family which has gone so long without realizing the priceless relationships within all of us. We had to keep it secret from the rest of the world, because those of us who did know were absolutely dying having to hold this in. But the expression on uncle Tom's face when he greeted who he thought was the dog sitter is priceless and will be forever engraved in my memory. It was the look my dad hoped for all along, it was the first sign of success. I'm proud of my dad for doing this, and ever so thankful to have been included. I learned in a matter of 6 days something that I already knew, but felt it ever stronger now. God gives us family for a reason and it is up to us to accept the gift. So, I'm back in Omaha now, with stronger relationships, friendships with people who are so much more than family. I know you didn't get a lot of time to get to know "Aunt Patty", but I know that she's just one more gift you've given us. She is such a great part of our family now and I'm so very thankful to have her. Not only is she a sole factor in making this trip even possible, she welcomed us in to her world, showed us things we have never seen before and made me wonder how I've gone 23 years not knowing her. She left me with a gift I will cherish foever, and she puts a goofy smile on Tom's face. I've seen my uncle Tom smile before, but I've never seen such happiness behind it before. The looks she puts on his face is something he deserves very much. She's gold. My cousin Rachel is one i grew up not knowing. When you're young, 12 years is a lot, and South Dakota to New Jersey is more than just a trek, it's nearly impossible. But she has taught me life lessons in the time we have fostered a relationship. These people I will hang onto forever. It's so hard to believe Tom (I never once called him "Tommy" or "Little Tom" although it was something I had to constantly remind myself) have been married for 7 years - and that their wedding was my first trip to the east coast. It's amazing their "baby" Aaron is now very much a little boy, and he has a little brother, too. They're adorable, and exhausting! No wonder Kathy stays so beautiful and tiny! I can only hope to look like her when I am a mother of two. I can only hope to someday be a mother of two! This trip is one I will make again,....and again and again.

We talked of you often. This was the first trip we had made to the east coast without you. We remembered you when we ate Twizzlers on the plane, when we plowed through the crowds, remembering you being miles ahead of the rest of us. You never slowed down, you never complained, you never took for granted your surroundings. But the diners missed something, the airplanes missed something, our cook outs missed something. We missed something, someone - you. We talked of questions we didn't have the answers to. Some things, we may never have answers to. But one thing is certain, we missed having you there.

I miss you more with each passing day - I really do. But I also see you in my everyday more and more. It's clear that you're very much in my life, just in a different way. But your constant reminders are greatly appreciated and I'm constantly reminding myself that even though you aren't here, I'm so lucky with all you've left behind for me.

Love,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
I know this is twice in one week, but I'm writing tonight for a special reason. Sometimes in life we let people slip away without letting them know how we feel or what they mean to us. There always seems to be more time, and when there isn't more I guess we all tend to forget that tomorrow might be the last day we have the chance to do that for some people, and it may be today. I think we're all guilty of this. I know I wrote you a letter nearly every week for the past few years, but I still feel like there are things I should have told you, times I should have called you, and hugs I should have offered...more often. I appreciate you a little more every single day you're not here. But given I have this special opportunity, I suppose it's never too late. I know you aren't here that we can see, but if I didn't think you read these letters, I would never write them in the first place. All that being said, I had a conversation with someone today who feels this same way, and I made a promise to make sure you knew how very important you were to them as well. And I know you know. You show us everyday. This person was simply family growing up. As we've grown into adults, we have become great friends, and now - this person is one of my greatest friends, one that will be there no matter what. I'm confident that the relationship I now hold so very dear is your response to the question, your blessing to us, your way of watching over us from heaven, and you telling us ... just one more time...that family. is. GOLD. Please know up there in heaven how very much we love you. We would all give most anything to have one more day with you. I would tell you about how incredible I think you are. And I would tell you that every single time I am faced with something that seems trying, I think of you. I would tell you that I utter the words "...tomorrow will be better." more times in a week than I say my own name. I write it on post its, notes, letters, anywhere I think I might need to remind myself. There is nothing I can't do or overcome and it's all because of the strength you've given me - the strength you've given all of us.

I miss you. I really, really....really miss you. We all do. I hope and pray that you're in heaven knowing how much you mean to us. And how sorry we are for not taking advantage of more opportunites to show you this more often.

Love, Kristen

Dear Grandma,
I guess when you're faced with things that seem to be unfair, you're sent your very own angels and it's those people who make you realize how very lucky you are. I mean, I am still here afterall. For me it started with a cousin. A cousin who took off work early, without question or reservation to sit with me in the ER while I waited. I waited for answers, for pain relief, and ultimately, to pee. She stayed with me all day, into the night...got me home, got me prescriptions and finished out her shift until angel #2 arrived. My mom has been my angel more than once, and this time was no different. Her irregular and tiring work schedules never keep her from getting to me when I need her. She got to my house late at night, in time to tuck me into bed to wake up and face another day of agony. This day took me back to the er and planted me in the hospital for the night. But my mom was with me through every second as she always is, even when I became crabby and frusterated, she stuck by me, I curled up in my hospital bed as she sprawled out on her "bed in a box" as the foreign nurse explained it. Angel #3 came along when mom had to go back home to work. Even though I asked him to come only because I didn't want to be alone, my dad got in his truck and hit the interstate through the construction for 4 straight hours. He got to my house just in time for me to pass that blasted stone. He never once complained about all the time he had spent on the road ... just to "be there". But it was exactly what I needed. And the celebratory supper at Texas roadhouse was just what we both needed. I pray I'm at the end of these battles...and quite frankly am not sure why I am having them at 23 - but I hope, that - tomorrow will be better. And I realize Grandma, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have any of these angels in my life to begin with - nor would I have my own. And the moments when I feel sorry for myself are blanketed with thankfulness.
I haven't heard too much about it just yet, but I did hear that Trevor came out of his surgery just fine. Hopefully whatever it is they did while they had him under will provide him with some relief in the future. He's too young for all he's been through, too. I'm guessing you sent him some angels as well, boy, you sure have been busy up there!
The weather has been very nice here. But with all that's been going on lately, I haven't had much opportunity to get outside and enjoy it. I need to make a point to get on my bike a couple times before the snow flies, sweep out the garage and have a carwashing party. I did - afterall - buy that hose and nozzel just for that, because when your pops is a mechanic, you like your car best when you wash it yourself by hand. Have I done that once all summer? No I have not. And thus my to do list grows even longer. (so kidneys, consider this a pep talk, I don't have time for your tantrums!)
Speaking of the snow. I looked ahead at my call schedule and learned this Christmas is my holiday on call. I've been lucky thus far, the most major holiday I have had call was Thanksgiving, and I was lucky to have a friend in the same siutation. But, Christmas, really? I'm already bummed about this and am silently hoping one of my roomates, or a friend happens to have call as well. Either way, I'll have the blues and should probably start preparing for this. On call pay is pretty nice when it's Christmas, but there is no amount of money that will be worth missing Christmas with family.
I had a big craving for Spaghettios today. Maybe they're in season? I know they grow on trees, but I guess Grandpa never did tell us what time of year they were best. Check with him, wouldya?

Love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
Can you believe the letters I used to only write to you go out to the whole family now - even more - can you believe that people care to read them? I certainly don't think of myself as a good writer - or even a writer in the first place. But the letters you once opened, probably in your rocker in Armour, I will cling to as long as I possibly can. I found a note you had wedged in a birthday card, just a simple thought and I stared at it for longer than someone should stare at three sentences. I'm so lucky to have that little momento of the handwriting I used to spend so much time trying to decode. I only wish I had the opportunity to still do that. This taught me an important lesson though. Faces, smells, even voices will probably someday fade away. But I will always have your words, written with your hands on a piece of paper. A piece of paper that holds more value to me now than all the gold in the world. Case in point: save cards, letters, save anything that may someday be the only memory of someone you can hold in your hands.

I've got reasons to believe you're working some magic on me up there...or maybe you're trying, or maybe you're just sending me some hope and a little reassurance as to why certain things happened, and why certain people need to swoop into your life for a moment....even when it ends badly, there is a lesson to be learned. And maybe those instances may lead to something that can change your life or send it in a new direction. And maybe they won't. All that said, I know you're around, and I don't know for sure what you're doing or if you had a chance to catch a peak at God's plan for me, but the result is a grandaughter with some newfound faith. Oh, but by the way, they already made a movie about a girl who is always someone's bridesmaid...and it's a good one, but I'm getting freakishly close to being the lead in that movie. And don't get me wrong, I am honored to know I am important to so many people. But, is it a concern if some Fridays I look foward to a movie and eating cheerios in my pjs in bed? Yikes.

My weekend of call was a busy one. 9 callbacks in a matter of 24 hours, 1 on Monday night and this madness doesn't end until Saturday morning at 7 am. Did i curl up with a bowl of coldstone icecream (in bed) after a long Saturday? Yes, I did. I have a habit of thinking I deserve ice cream or like a whole entire chocolate cake after a busy day of call. Dangerous? Maybe, but it sure seems like a brilliant idea at the time.

Gina is coming to Omaha this weekend. We don't have a lot planned, but hope to do all kinds of relaxing. I'm definitely looking foward to seeing her and just hanging out all weekend. Friends are priceless, afterall.

Hugs and Kisses to Heaven,
Love, Kristen

Dear Grandma,
Where on earth has the summer gone? Oh, that's right, it was swallowed up by drama. Well. In that case, I am happy to put it behind me and look foward to fall, winters filled wth evenings of grunty, snow shoveling, and then finally, spring will come and it will be better. It's already better, thank God. A little patience and many days reminding yourself to stick to what you believe in and things turn out for the better.
I've been taking advantage of the nice weather we have been having, it's been perfect for running outside, which means it's soon to be gone. It's even worth the panic driven seizures I have when I see a bee, a wasp, anything that has wings and the potential of having a stinger. They do make me run faster, so, I suppose they do my workout a favor. I probably don't even have to ask you about the weather you've been having, I'm sure it's beautiful there!
Little Miss Hannah is finally walking. Those parents of hers sure are going to be in trouble now! They're all headed back to South Dakota this weekend for a wedding, so we'll see how that little mover likes sitting in a car seat for nine hours now. I wish I could go back and spend a little time with them, but I was in South Dakota last weekend and I'm on call this weekend. I'm looking foward to having a little extra dough, but am sure by Sunday I'll be ready to throw that little devil box (my pager) in the Missouri River. Lucky for me I'm on call that WHOLE week to follow as well. I wonder just how many times I'll have to stop in at Dairy Queen to make it through that!
I know this is probably going to sound funny, but the other day I scanned a man who smelled like your house. I was immediately taken aback and flooded with memories of you. For a minute, the reason this man was in front of me didn't matter and kind of disappeared completely. It wasn't long before I came back to Earth and almost smiled, because even though it was very bittersweet, It's nice to have good memories like that come completely out of nowhere sometimes. That being said, I'm not sure why you were around that day, but thanks for stopping in. I miss you.
I sure could use some banana bread..and kuchen! I'm sure you visit with her often, but next time you see Grandma Weisser up there, could you run that by her? You guys could have a little baking date. She'd love it. But go hungry, cuz she'll make you eat like a football quarterback and she won't take no for an answer.

Love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
You know, for whatever reason, I've thought a lot about this past year. I can tell you it's been the worst year of my life thus far. Even the heartache I felt when I watched a high school relationship crumble when I thought it'd last forever doesn't hold a candle to this year. But I'm as thankful for the lessons I've learned from this year as I am from those I learned back then. The biggest difference is that these lessons have taught me things about myself, monumental things that have made me realize who I am. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and as frusterating as it can be, I'm so very thankful for it. This time, a lot of things I already knew about myself were tested and proven more right than ever. Family is important. More important than anything else I have. I would literally give up everything I have ever gotten, earned, achieved- for family. My SUV certainly won't be there for me when everthing else crumbles, right? And I could certainly survive if someone came and cleaned out my whole entire house, but would be nothing without family. And after a bumpy ride back from the Sturgis trip made every year, I am ever thankful for blessings that sometime go uncounted. There is also nothing I will ever let come between my brother and I. He's my brother and he's the only one I've got - and he's pretty good at it, too. That's not a relanship you can replace, not a position you can fill with someone you meet at work or out on the town. There's no way I would ever let anything, stupid or substantial, come between that. Plus, every girl needs a bodyguard, and he's pretty good at that, too. I've settled on the fact that you've gotta be a good friend - the best friend you know how to be - even though you're always at a risk to get trampled by bad people who don't hold you in the same respect. The past is the past, and I'm still me. And I feel more sure of myself than ever. See your name in the credits, along with a lot of the other people who are reading this letter. I certainly didn't learn it on my own. So I hang on to the people who are good, and I hope they do the same to me.
With that, there are so prayers that I need to send out. Prayers to a broken leg in Sioux Falls. A broken leg that may be one of the biggest blessings yet, for broken legs can be fixed and this broken leg very well could have saved something very precious to me. Prayers to some broken hearts in New Jersey. Broken hearts that may also be blessings, I don't believe these hearts are broken without a plan for something greater and answers to why it happened. Nontheless, it takes time to get to that point...so my prayer is to get them there. And still, prayers to broken hearts across the board...broken hearts for you. I miss you. I miss you so much, and I know I'm not the only one. I sure hope these letters get to you, Grandma. I know you still respond, and I am finally starting to see your response in my life...it's just not the same as the letters that sometimes took me days to read. The handwriting still isn't always clear, it still takes me time to get the response, I just recieve it in a much different way now.

Love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,


It's been awhile since I've written secondary to yet another issue you woudn't think someone of my age would have. By 23 I'm almost certain I'm setting some kind of record for most random and unlikely medical issues. Shingles in college, a peroneal palsy in my leg causing me to walk like a clydesdale for months (still of unknown causes) and now kidney stones!? I can't complain too much, I've been very lucky in all of these situations, I always come out on top, tomorrow is always better. This ordeal landed me in the hospital, tho, which was a first for me. Those little devils really do hurt as bad as they say they do. And it sure does tork a sister off when they come out and they're little bitty grains of rice (IF that) and not a jagged brick as the pain would lead one to assume. I learned that although morphine does nothing for my pain, it does land me on a different planet - where although pain is very much present, it suddenly doesn't matter so much. It also makes me slur like a drunk sailor. My short little stay in a hospital - where all the nurses knew me by name (and they should - one of them was my mom!) made me appreciate what it's like to be a patient. I was thankful to get home and lucky to be able to be at my parents' house where I didn't have to worry about things - the meals were a big plus, too!

Although the Omaha drama hasn't completely disappeared, it has finally started to dwindle. I can't lose anymore sleep over this situation and a person who doesn't care about other people. I could continue the fight, and I could win - but I think it's probably better to just let it go. I hate to say it, but the lesson will be learned on her end eventually and I think that's sometimes what it has to take. Karma, right?

On that note, i came home to new roomates and new decorations! It's been going great so far, especially the part where I wrote out a rent check that is now being split three ways as opposed to two. We all have one very important thing in common: bedtime between 9 and 10 pm. Lets face it; 23 or 63, after a ten hour day of huffing an ultrasound machine all over a medical center (or doing anything else for a span of ten hours for that matter), people get tired. So what if I have the bedtime of a 4 year old? I tuck myself in with a snackie, watch an episode of "Friends" and I'm snoozing before the news is on. Let's review: I've survived something they claim hurts worse than childbirth and I've got the sleep schedule of my parents pretty well figured out - as dad likes to call it "the pre-sleep". Am I a little ahead of the game here?

I hope you were with Trev and all his testing. That kid has had some serious issues with those headaches, help those doctors figure something out for him!

I'll be better about writing. Thanks for the nice weather we've been having, but if you could suck some of the humidity out, that would be super, too =)

Love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,

I'm still taking it one day at a time over here in Omaha. My patience is certainly being tested but I hope to be nearing the end of all this drama. No matter how much I appear to let things roll of my shoulders, and no matter how tight I keep my mouth shut (which you know is not my greatest forte) but am still repeatedly pushed and sometimes I feel as though I am going to reach a breaking point. But I keep reminding myself that this is almost over. That necessary bridges will be burned and life can go back to normal. There are a lot of things I'd like to say but I keep it to myself because I know it won't help the situation at all. One thing is for certain, I hope to have a WHOLE lot of banana bread coming after all this!

I sat in my kitchen last night and stared at a box of jelly jars - little glasses that remind me of my childhood in Armour. There's one - a Tom and Jerry glass that certainly stands out in my memory more than the others although I'm not sure why. One things for sure: they seemed much bigger back then. I don't know that I'll ever put them in the cupboard to use, but I will most definitely have them out somewhere. I can almost taste the drink of water I used to get out of them in the middle of the night, and then I can smell your house, and see you in your robe wondering what I was doing in the kitchen in the middle of the night...it's amazing all the memories you can get from one little glass. Time is precious and so is family. I think that sometimes we forget how important family is, and the fact that we never know how much time we have to spend together. I know so many people that don't have any family at all, and I know how desperately they wish they did. It's something that is taken for granted too often and I couldn't be more serious when I say that I have learned that the relationships I have with my family are the most important. Don't ever let me forget that.

I headed back to South Dakota this weekend to visit a friend and spend some time with mom and dad. It was fun, and it was relaxing. Even waking up with a 22 pound bichon frisce on my head - yes - on my head - was worth it. We headed to a movie on Sunday, had an ever popular Sunday nap and just relaxed. It was a little on the spur of the moment side for me, but I'm happy I did that instead of staying in Omaha with nothing to do for the weekend. As usual I ate more servings of ice cream in one day than I usually do in one week, but, oh well. So what if my scrubs are a little tight this week, right?

I hope you're having a good time up there in heaven, playing lots of cards and such. Sometimes I see bags of twizzlers and think it would be okay to eat it for supper - in your honor - and then I remind myself that going up a pant size probably isn't the best way to remember you, so I just smile. You can buy twizzerls that are like 3 feet long now, I bet you would've got a kick out of them. Sure wish I could show you myself.



Love you,

Kristen

Dear Grandma,
Today is a hard day for a lot of people, and even though I wasn't able to be there to share the day with the rest of the family, it hurts me just the same. Yesterday, under rain showers, all the little reminders we have of you, your life, and memories of family were spread across your lawn. People decided how much your memories were worth, because to them, they were just "things". Things to fill a space, to add to a collection, or to avoid having to spend the extra money to buy them new. I wasn't there physically, but believe me Grandma, I was there. The fact that I wasn't able to be there is bittersweet to me. I wanted to be there to help, to support, and to deal. But I didn't want to be there to see people bid on momentos of your life, and I certainly didn't want to watch your home become a vacancy. I want to remember it for what it means to me, and I want to hang on to it's smell, because even that memory will soon fade away, and I want to have it with me, as long as I can. Maybe if I never see that house empty I will never realize it is. Maybe that's a blessing, and maybe it's not. Yesterday it rained. Today the sun was shining, and although to many it may not be "better" we see you've kept your promise.
Things are rocky in Omaha, but only because one chapter is ending and as soon as it does, things will be better. I remind myself daily to hold my tongue and hold true to the person I am. Age, I'm learning, is teaching me that sometimes it's best to just sit back and let things happen as they will - and there is certainly truth to being the bigger person. Standing up for yourself doesn't always mean saying what's on your mind (even if I think it would make me feel better). So I play by the rules and sit back and watch. And I repeat your infamous quote over and over.....and over again. And I believe it, thankfully.
This will be a difficult week for many, and I'm hoping you'll try and get everyone through. I don't think anyone is even over the fact that you were diagnosed with cancer unexpectadly, and now, all the we had left of you has been dispersed. The greatest struggle is finding ways to make sure your legacy goes on forever. Easier said than done, but we're working on it. You'll never know how much I have learned and grown from all of this, you've helped me realize the person I am, and I am certainly thankful for that. You've given me more confidence and strength than even I thought possible and I feel it everyday. I'd prefer it in a letter or sitting across from you at the bowling alley over some grilled cheese, but I'll take all I can get.

Love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,

I guess I learn more about people and what it means to be a friend every single day. I've learned that some friends were never your friend at all, and sometimes, it makes me mad for ever trying to be their's in the first place. But that's not true, it's not me. Two friends were involved in the situation I told you about the other night. One of those friends I have immense amounts of respect for and am thankful to call them a friend - lucky really. The other, like I said, did not hold the same respect for me as I did for them. I don't regret losing one because I was looking out for the other, maybe just the way it came about. I've definitely put in a lot of prayers about a lot of things having to do with this "friendship" and I think instead of lose sleep and wonder why, I need to realize I've gotten my answer. So thank you to everyone up there who helped me see.

I had a great weekend with family. A brother, a sister, and a mini duplicate of the two. Hannah loved the zoo, as I thought she would. The adults loved it, too...regardless of what anyone (Jason) might say. I couldn't tell you how many times I heard "what a zoo!" come out of his mouth, or "I'm so happy I came all the way to Omaha to go to super target." Whatever... we all had a good time at the zoo, even him! And lets face it, Target doesn't ever let ya down, definitely not Tonya, who was especially excited about the new cart design. =) I'm happy they came this weekend - they may have not known it - but it was a weekend when I needed them most. I'm lucky to have them and refuse to ever let anyone change the relationship we all have.

I've got a big week coming, Grandma. My boyfriend, Keith Urban, is coming back to Omaha this weekend and I can't begin to tell you how excited I am. I only hope that I don't find myself on the news, the paper or some tabloid for extreme stalking or anything like that =) Mom is coming to Omaha to go with me, she likes him too, just not quite to the stalker status that I do. She wasn't planning on, but plans changed and I was again reminded of how awesome it is to have a best friend in your mom and family that will literally drop anything to be right where you need them to be. She's a great mom, but she's so much more. She's fixed all my owies - both figuratively and literally...from a broken heart (ok, there have been more than one of those) to leaving me scar free from what some might call a pretty tragic shaving injury =) I'm looking foward to spending some time with her.

On top of everything I'm on call - and only get breaks for the concert and the wedding I have on Saturday. One of my co-workers is getting married, she is also originally from South Dakota and I have warned her numerous times about just how excited I am to celebrate her wedding - in true South Dakota nature. I hope Nebraska is ready for some South Dakota at a wedding dance. I should warn them that after a couple beers and a little music I start to think I'm Beyonce...unfortunately for me - and them!- I'm just a white girl with the jiggles.

The wedding is Saturday - the same day we say goodbye to all the little reminders we have of you. I've looked at the sale bill numerous times as my parents have asked me to do to see if there is anything I'd like - but I can't seem to find anywhere, "Grandma" "friend" "penpal"...so I'll pass. Everyone is being very strong, dad espcially. I know this is a trait I get from him. I also know that the sense of humor we all know Grandpa so well for lies now, in my dad. I can't tell you how many times that has gotten me through the day, a tough situation, or just a crabby mood. I'm sorry I can't be there that day, but promise me you will be. There are a few people who need you there, and you know who they are. Please stick around....and hang around to watch your daughters drink wine and dance around...it's hilarious. =)

Did you see all the fireworks on Saturday? It made me think of watching them in your backyard. We had a good time watching them over the trees of Omaha from my front steps, but it wasn't the same. Nothing will ever be quite the same.

Love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
I hope you can see what's going on down here. I've learned a lot in the past few months about situations and know in my heart that things will be better this way. I think you know that too, and maybe you had a hand in this. Help me be stong, help me be smart, and help me remind myself who I am and what I believe in. I know there were people who were put in my life for a reason, and me in their's. I know that taking that road is part of a better plan and I know that leaving behind people in sitautions that are contradictions to what is right for me is for the better. I don't understand it completely, and definitely feel taken advantage of. But it certainly makes me appreciate a good friend and some sweet, innocent little babies. It hurts, but it's clear to me now. I can be the friend I need to be without regrets.

I just needed to clear my mind....
Thanks (as always) for listening
I love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
As I was driving to work today I heard a song that they played numerous times at the cancer walk a few weeks ago - and I guess I didn't even realize it until I heard it today. I teared up behind my sunglasses and started to think of all the reasons I missed you -they're countless, they really are. I was at your house a few weeks ago but it's nothing like it used to be. We were boxing up memories and to truth it, those things don't bother me much. The thing that I wanted to find the most in that house wasn't there. But it was good to spend time with family. Dad and I came over on the motorcycle, a past time I miss now being in Omaha. Mary, Linda and Barb were all there - it was great to see them, but this is very hard for them- it's obvious - and I don't blame them one bit...this was all very quick, Grandma...I just don't think anyone has had time to let it sink it. When the work had come to an end, I got out a cd I had burned for all the girls - songs they came up with at your house over a bottle of wine and spirits seemed to rise a bit. It was nice to see them smile and I'm happy I could help bring back some memories for them. Barb danced around the driveway like a goofball, Mary tried desperately to reel her back in. I laughed until my belly hurt, you would have liked it.
This past weekend I met my parents, the Renshaws and those Illinios Papes in Des Moine to camp. It was so humid that showers seemed like a waste of time and a neccessity all in the same. It was a well needed, very relaxing weekend that I think everyone needed. Jason and Tonya taught us a new card game, and even though we're all pretty sure they're big stinkin' cheaters, it was a blast and one I think (and hope) will stick around. I hate to say it, but had you been there, I don't think any of us would have gotten any banana bread. =) But many laughs were shared and we talked of you often, too. I stayed in the Renshaw camper because as usual I came solo. There were MANY reminders of you in there. Bittersweet.
Jason, Tonya and Hannah are coming to Omaha this weekend to finally get to that big zoo. I can't wait. You should see Miss Hannah, she's quite the character. She's probably one of the happiest one year olds I have ever seen which makes everyone around her happy, too. She's going to love the zoo, I think. I just hope it's not hot that day, cuz she sweats like her daddy. =) Now that her hair is shorter, she's got curls like him, too.
I hope you're all having a great time up there together and I hope it's all you've ever dreamed of - in fact, I'm sure it's more. We miss you, so stop down as often as you can. I would do anything for a tube of banana bread, but mostly - for the baker.

Love you,
Kristen

- These are actually the lyrics to a song I had forgotten about until my roomate had found it on an old cd from highschool. For once we actually really listened to the words... I like it so much I'm going to make it into something I can hang in my house - lots of truth to it, and a lot of things we should all remind ourselves daily...

"Wear Sunscreen"

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either
– your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go ,but for the precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

Morning,

Here's the thing. It's 463 degrees outisde and I got home last night to a house that - if those little meters on the wall are at all accurate - was a blazing 86 degrees. Now, I will tell you that I am not one who is fond of sleeping on top of all my covers half naked like a poor college student who can't afford to turn the AC on. Needless to say, the girls of Franklin St. were not especially happy this am and intend to spend the entire day hunting down and stalking whomever it is that is going to fix this bologna. And they had better; she's tall and I'm scrappy and we're entirely too overheated to mess with at this point.

On top of that, our previously broken, miraculously fixed (by that I mean that the repair man came and it turned on the second he hit the knob) dryer of 11 months has gone on strike again. I suppose it's perfect now that we live in a sauna and can just throw our clothes all over the house to dry. I'm currently couting down the minutes until I can call the Nebraska Furniture Mart and GE to harrass them about it. Because I will tell you right now that these two things are the perfect recipe for a very crabby household.

After lunch today I scanned a patient who couldn't communicate with me - or her husband - anyone..because she had a stroke. You could tell her sweet little husband has been by her side and loved her more than anything else in this whole entire world and she didn't seem to even know who he was. He tried to hold her hand in comfort and she got angry and pushed him away. But he still stood by her. He later told me she had her stroke in 1992 and has been this way for 17 years. It was then that I was strangly thankful for the brief time span between the day we found out Grandma had cancer and the day we said goodbye. Some of the smallest blessings are very hard to see...and sometimes those tiny little blessings are actually much greater than any of us realize. And a lot of the things that stress me out every single day, things I think are so horrible and overwhelming just seem so small now.

On that note, I am ready for the camping trip. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to pack nothing but a a swimsuit and beer.

Love, Kristen

Dear All,
I got to spend this past weekend with my family and it reminded me how important they all are. Last week presented with a personal ultimatum, I guess you could say. The decision was made to remove certain people - or - a certain person from my life. It was a difficult decision, and one I have struggled with for far too long. But when you put into a friendship all the things that one should, and they aren't reciprocated, I suppose you have to ask yourself why you're letting someone pull you down and keep you from enjoying life and growing as a person. A situation I would have written Grandma about, and I know exactly what kind of response I would have gotten. Grandma was the greatest supporter of me, and she was always the first to show me how proud she was, where I had gotten and where I was going. Long story short I spent the weekend in South Dakota, where for once I just took time to relax and appreciate all the people around me. No workouts, no stress, not even any makeup! It was a much needed "staycation" and it made me feel completely refreshed when I returned home to Omaha. There is nothing Omaha can throw at me that my family can't get me through. I have the greatest family in the whole entire world.



And then there is Omaha; the monotony I now know is the real world. Get up, go to the gym, to work and home...to bed and do it all over again. Mix in some eating, a little tv, maybe some laundry and it's usually just the same thing day after day. I love my career, but many days - especially in our current economical situation - don't usually like my job. I love my patients - for the most part - and that's usually what keeps a smile on my face. What I don't like is being micromanaged, being consistently held under a microscope to be told only what we're doing wrong. It's exhausting, and eventually, nobody even cares to try anymore. But things will get better, and tomorrow will be better - it will - my Grandma told me so. Until then, I'm just waiting until tomorrow.

My goal today is to get through this week. I work 10 hours shifts all week and have a list of things to do nearly every night. Should keep me busy and get me to the much anticipated weekend sooner. I'm looking foward to the camping trip I have planned with my family in Des Moines. It's definitely just what I need, In fact, I think it's what everybody needs. According to my brother, the Miller Lite drinking starts with breakfast, and I intend to keep up. I'm more excited for this weekend than I have been for anything in a long time and it has been entirely too long since I have seen Jason, Tonya and little Miss Hannah. Tonya and I have big plans to catch up on life, even though we spend hours on the phone doing exactly that. She's the best sister in law in the world though, I owe my life to her for some of the things she has gotten me through. My brother is good at a lot of things, very smart, too...but I think one of his greatest accomplishments was finding her, followed closely by that perfect little angel I get to call my goddaughter. Many people come and go in life, I'm lucky to have a brother that I know will always be my brother, always be my friend and always kick the ass of whoever tries to eff with his little sister.

It's entirely too hot here. 85 degrees at 5 am, and what feels like 227 percent humidity. I don't think I should be expected to do anything but throw on a swim suit and float around in a pool all day. But that won't pay the rent, so to work I go, saving limbs and lives, one doppler at a time.

Love,
Kristen

Until cancer recently claimed her life, I was blessed with one of the very best penpals the Lord could give me. Since her death, I have learned how important her weekly letters had become to me, and maybe even more so, how important it had become to me to have someone I could sit down and write to. I'm not good at keeping a journal, it feels pointless for me to - write a letter to myself - I suppose you could say, so I'm going to give this a try in an attempt to fill the void. Consider them letters to heaven, to my family and to anyone else who might find the life of a 23 year old living in Omaha to be interesting.