Dear Grandma,
After a nonstop weekend in Omaha, I spent Sunday doing what the Lord says we're suppose to do on Sundays - I rested. If these directions included eating Ben and Jerry's by the pint, well then, I followed them perfectly. I had plans each and every minute of the weekend it seemed. I left work Friday to visit Bekka and Brian, shared a few much needed laughs with them and then left to meet some work friends for drinks and some weird Spanish appetizers. I can't get behind squid and snails, I'm sorry, no matter how classy the names are that have been given them. Saturday I ran errands until it was time to head over to the bachelorette party of my previous roomate Jessica. More appetizers, more drinks and games involving Playdo, broomsticks and rolls of toilet paper. I have some mad playdo sculpting skills, that's for sure.

I will tell you that I'm a bit discouraged. I wish petty drama wouldn't take precedence to what is more important. And above all, I wish that, for once, people would stand back and take a look at true issues and those that are maybe a minor misunderstanding. What's important is that I know you're greatest wish is for your family to get along and simply be a family. People are taken from this earth unexpectadly everyday. There's always tomorrow, we can always fix it later, so then what happens when we can't? You're right. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will always be better. But tomorrow is a gift, it's not a guarantee, it's not a given right. Which is exactly why it's so important to not take advantage of today. Get over what doesn't matter, work through the things that do. Grow up. Move on. It's our responsibility to built our own support systems, God just gives us a starter kit...a family. But even a starter kit is nothing if we don't read the instuctions and follow them.

I'm not ready for the week to start. Starting at 530pm on Monday until 7am on the following Monday I have to babysit that blasted pager. Don't get me wrong, I could use a few callbacks, but I'll be ever so grateful when it's over. Then I'll have a week to recover, to catch up on sleep and I can finally head home. I haven't been there in what seems like forever and am anxious to spend time with mom, dad, Jason and Tonya, Miss Hannah and don't forget Buddy! There will be a lot of people at this wedding that I am looking forward to spending time with. A lot of people I either work with or have worked with in Omaha and it will be great to introduce them to the family they all probably feel like they already know. I hope Omaha is ready for a small town wedding. It's not like the city business they're all used to. We'll show them how to party, and they'll never be the same.

Thank you for listening, as you have always done so well. I wish you were part of my South Dakota agenda, but you know I'll keep you well informed of the details. Thank you especially for all the strength and confidence you've given me. I thought that after you were gone I'd have to find a new penpal to fill the void. You're still the best penpal I've ever had. I still get a response, just in a very different way. I hope I recieve it the way you intended me to and I hope I take it and do with it what you had in mind.

I love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandpa,
I wanted to wish you happy birthday today. I am sure this is a wonderful day for Grandma, she has missed you for so many of your birthdays, what a blessing that she is finally able to spend it with you. I'm sure you're all dressed in blue (Co-Op pants and that pale blue collared shirt) and I'm sure you smell like Old Spice. Do something great today, pick all your grandkids some Spaghettios if you get a chance. Make Grandma smile. (I'm sure she's done so much smiling her cheeks are about to crack!). Dance with her, crystal chanderlier. I'm sure it's silly for me to be even telling you all this, I'm certain this is what you have been doing the last few months. But today, it's very comforting to picture you doing just this. It makes living life without you guys a bit easier.

Love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
It's Sunday morning as I write this and am overwhelmed with thoughts of you. Everday on my igoogle account I get new quotes. Some are pretty stupid, some funny, and some smack me right in the face as they are exactly what I'm thinking that day. One of them today, made me think of you and your ever popular quote which has been my personal motivation since you started saying it every single day. It came from someone I have never heard of, but from a blog...ironic? "Even in the darkness, every color can be found. And every day of rain brings water flowing to things growing in the ground." It's kind of an extension of "...tomorrow will be better."...no? Maybe you put it there today for me to see.

Somehow this morning I also stumbled upon pictures of you, some from your trip to Nebraska over Christmas. You were sick then already, but even then I didn't think I'd see the days without you so soon. Isn't it weird that you've now been up there the same amount of time we had with you after we got the news...and still...I'm not used to it. I regret not bringing you to Omaha. I wish I could have shown you where I live, but I'm sure you can see it now - although for me - it's not the same. I was thinking the other day of a trip I'm making back to South Dakota in October. I'll be home a few extra days for a wedding and in the back of my mind I was thinking of making a trip to Armour...as I used to try to do when I came home. Even though the fact that you're not in Armour anymore is very present in my mind - sometimes still - it escapes me for a minute. It's little thought like this that make it harder. So, the few seconds of planning a motorcycle trip to Armour with my dad before the snow fell was snapped away with brutal reality. Although a motorcycle trip should still be lined up while the weather still permits, we'll have to find another destination. Ice Cream, I suppose. Even if ice cream is a poor substitute...it'll have to do.

I've had a busy weekend, jet lag or not, I kept moving. Saturday morning I had to work .. a screening for the public. So I went for a run early and then we went in on a day off to do some brief carotid, aortic and peripheral screenings on mostly healthy individuals. It went quick but I was tired. This didn't stop me from hitting Papio trail with my bike for two hours to follow. It's going to be cold soon, and this will be only the second time I have been on my bike this summer. Sometimes I take this nice weather for granted, so I am trying to take advantage of it while we still have it. I then ran some much needed errands; wedding gifts, groceries, and the biggest bag of Dunkin' Doughnuts coffee grounds I could find. (some advice from my precious east coast family and my mama - GREAT recommendation). I then finally made it home for a second movie night with my roomate Abby. I needed a weekend like this.

And this gets us to Sunday. Sleeping in til 8:30, cereal in bed, coffee, pajamas until I absolutely have to put on real clothes to face the world (which I may never do). It's the perfect cure for jet lag. And so is a letter to my Grandma. I hope you share these with all those others I'm missing in heaven. Over coffee and kuchen, maybe?

Somebody brought those orange wafer cookies to work this week. You used to have all three but the minute I tasted them I was taken back to your house. I ate damn near that entire package too. In fact. I got a little crabby when other people ate them, sorta like they were suppose to be mine. Then I remembered they weren't mine at all. They were all doing my thighs and bum a favor by eating some, too. =) Either way, small memories of you are literally everywhere, and they probably always have been. They've just never hit me so hard until now.

I love you,
I hope you stopped in for coffee with me this morning. You're always welcome.
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
It's been longer than usual that I've written last, but it does not go without good reason. I landed another afternoon in the ER. Same story, different day. Except this time it took the help of my brother and his wife to get me home from Des Moines, where they were vacationing and I was visiting a friend. I don't regret visiting, even tho I did end up being struck with a misfortune that is becomming far to habitual, but I do regret the fact that I had to call upon Jason and Tonya to get me back to Omaha - a two hour trip, which ended up robbing 4 hours from their trip. I regret it, but am very fortunate all in the same. A phone call from my brother and a hug from my sister in law made me realize they were doing this because they wanted to be there for me, and it put me at ease -as it always does - to have such wonderful people to call family. This incident added more stress to the pot as we had a big event coming, but 5 days later I passed that little bastard to follow through with one of the greatest surprises I was ever included in.

It was dad's idea, a master plan, something that will forever make him proud and something I will never forget. A simple brotherly birthday, but the trip in itself was so much more. This trip brought together family, a family which has gone so long without realizing the priceless relationships within all of us. We had to keep it secret from the rest of the world, because those of us who did know were absolutely dying having to hold this in. But the expression on uncle Tom's face when he greeted who he thought was the dog sitter is priceless and will be forever engraved in my memory. It was the look my dad hoped for all along, it was the first sign of success. I'm proud of my dad for doing this, and ever so thankful to have been included. I learned in a matter of 6 days something that I already knew, but felt it ever stronger now. God gives us family for a reason and it is up to us to accept the gift. So, I'm back in Omaha now, with stronger relationships, friendships with people who are so much more than family. I know you didn't get a lot of time to get to know "Aunt Patty", but I know that she's just one more gift you've given us. She is such a great part of our family now and I'm so very thankful to have her. Not only is she a sole factor in making this trip even possible, she welcomed us in to her world, showed us things we have never seen before and made me wonder how I've gone 23 years not knowing her. She left me with a gift I will cherish foever, and she puts a goofy smile on Tom's face. I've seen my uncle Tom smile before, but I've never seen such happiness behind it before. The looks she puts on his face is something he deserves very much. She's gold. My cousin Rachel is one i grew up not knowing. When you're young, 12 years is a lot, and South Dakota to New Jersey is more than just a trek, it's nearly impossible. But she has taught me life lessons in the time we have fostered a relationship. These people I will hang onto forever. It's so hard to believe Tom (I never once called him "Tommy" or "Little Tom" although it was something I had to constantly remind myself) have been married for 7 years - and that their wedding was my first trip to the east coast. It's amazing their "baby" Aaron is now very much a little boy, and he has a little brother, too. They're adorable, and exhausting! No wonder Kathy stays so beautiful and tiny! I can only hope to look like her when I am a mother of two. I can only hope to someday be a mother of two! This trip is one I will make again,....and again and again.

We talked of you often. This was the first trip we had made to the east coast without you. We remembered you when we ate Twizzlers on the plane, when we plowed through the crowds, remembering you being miles ahead of the rest of us. You never slowed down, you never complained, you never took for granted your surroundings. But the diners missed something, the airplanes missed something, our cook outs missed something. We missed something, someone - you. We talked of questions we didn't have the answers to. Some things, we may never have answers to. But one thing is certain, we missed having you there.

I miss you more with each passing day - I really do. But I also see you in my everyday more and more. It's clear that you're very much in my life, just in a different way. But your constant reminders are greatly appreciated and I'm constantly reminding myself that even though you aren't here, I'm so lucky with all you've left behind for me.

Love,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
I know this is twice in one week, but I'm writing tonight for a special reason. Sometimes in life we let people slip away without letting them know how we feel or what they mean to us. There always seems to be more time, and when there isn't more I guess we all tend to forget that tomorrow might be the last day we have the chance to do that for some people, and it may be today. I think we're all guilty of this. I know I wrote you a letter nearly every week for the past few years, but I still feel like there are things I should have told you, times I should have called you, and hugs I should have offered...more often. I appreciate you a little more every single day you're not here. But given I have this special opportunity, I suppose it's never too late. I know you aren't here that we can see, but if I didn't think you read these letters, I would never write them in the first place. All that being said, I had a conversation with someone today who feels this same way, and I made a promise to make sure you knew how very important you were to them as well. And I know you know. You show us everyday. This person was simply family growing up. As we've grown into adults, we have become great friends, and now - this person is one of my greatest friends, one that will be there no matter what. I'm confident that the relationship I now hold so very dear is your response to the question, your blessing to us, your way of watching over us from heaven, and you telling us ... just one more time...that family. is. GOLD. Please know up there in heaven how very much we love you. We would all give most anything to have one more day with you. I would tell you about how incredible I think you are. And I would tell you that every single time I am faced with something that seems trying, I think of you. I would tell you that I utter the words "...tomorrow will be better." more times in a week than I say my own name. I write it on post its, notes, letters, anywhere I think I might need to remind myself. There is nothing I can't do or overcome and it's all because of the strength you've given me - the strength you've given all of us.

I miss you. I really, really....really miss you. We all do. I hope and pray that you're in heaven knowing how much you mean to us. And how sorry we are for not taking advantage of more opportunites to show you this more often.

Love, Kristen

Dear Grandma,
I guess when you're faced with things that seem to be unfair, you're sent your very own angels and it's those people who make you realize how very lucky you are. I mean, I am still here afterall. For me it started with a cousin. A cousin who took off work early, without question or reservation to sit with me in the ER while I waited. I waited for answers, for pain relief, and ultimately, to pee. She stayed with me all day, into the night...got me home, got me prescriptions and finished out her shift until angel #2 arrived. My mom has been my angel more than once, and this time was no different. Her irregular and tiring work schedules never keep her from getting to me when I need her. She got to my house late at night, in time to tuck me into bed to wake up and face another day of agony. This day took me back to the er and planted me in the hospital for the night. But my mom was with me through every second as she always is, even when I became crabby and frusterated, she stuck by me, I curled up in my hospital bed as she sprawled out on her "bed in a box" as the foreign nurse explained it. Angel #3 came along when mom had to go back home to work. Even though I asked him to come only because I didn't want to be alone, my dad got in his truck and hit the interstate through the construction for 4 straight hours. He got to my house just in time for me to pass that blasted stone. He never once complained about all the time he had spent on the road ... just to "be there". But it was exactly what I needed. And the celebratory supper at Texas roadhouse was just what we both needed. I pray I'm at the end of these battles...and quite frankly am not sure why I am having them at 23 - but I hope, that - tomorrow will be better. And I realize Grandma, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have any of these angels in my life to begin with - nor would I have my own. And the moments when I feel sorry for myself are blanketed with thankfulness.
I haven't heard too much about it just yet, but I did hear that Trevor came out of his surgery just fine. Hopefully whatever it is they did while they had him under will provide him with some relief in the future. He's too young for all he's been through, too. I'm guessing you sent him some angels as well, boy, you sure have been busy up there!
The weather has been very nice here. But with all that's been going on lately, I haven't had much opportunity to get outside and enjoy it. I need to make a point to get on my bike a couple times before the snow flies, sweep out the garage and have a carwashing party. I did - afterall - buy that hose and nozzel just for that, because when your pops is a mechanic, you like your car best when you wash it yourself by hand. Have I done that once all summer? No I have not. And thus my to do list grows even longer. (so kidneys, consider this a pep talk, I don't have time for your tantrums!)
Speaking of the snow. I looked ahead at my call schedule and learned this Christmas is my holiday on call. I've been lucky thus far, the most major holiday I have had call was Thanksgiving, and I was lucky to have a friend in the same siutation. But, Christmas, really? I'm already bummed about this and am silently hoping one of my roomates, or a friend happens to have call as well. Either way, I'll have the blues and should probably start preparing for this. On call pay is pretty nice when it's Christmas, but there is no amount of money that will be worth missing Christmas with family.
I had a big craving for Spaghettios today. Maybe they're in season? I know they grow on trees, but I guess Grandpa never did tell us what time of year they were best. Check with him, wouldya?

Love you,
Kristen