Dear Grandma,
I'm still taking it one day at a time over here in Omaha. My patience is certainly being tested but I hope to be nearing the end of all this drama. No matter how much I appear to let things roll of my shoulders, and no matter how tight I keep my mouth shut (which you know is not my greatest forte) but am still repeatedly pushed and sometimes I feel as though I am going to reach a breaking point. But I keep reminding myself that this is almost over. That necessary bridges will be burned and life can go back to normal. There are a lot of things I'd like to say but I keep it to myself because I know it won't help the situation at all. One thing is for certain, I hope to have a WHOLE lot of banana bread coming after all this!
I sat in my kitchen last night and stared at a box of jelly jars - little glasses that remind me of my childhood in Armour. There's one - a Tom and Jerry glass that certainly stands out in my memory more than the others although I'm not sure why. One things for sure: they seemed much bigger back then. I don't know that I'll ever put them in the cupboard to use, but I will most definitely have them out somewhere. I can almost taste the drink of water I used to get out of them in the middle of the night, and then I can smell your house, and see you in your robe wondering what I was doing in the kitchen in the middle of the night...it's amazing all the memories you can get from one little glass. Time is precious and so is family. I think that sometimes we forget how important family is, and the fact that we never know how much time we have to spend together. I know so many people that don't have any family at all, and I know how desperately they wish they did. It's something that is taken for granted too often and I couldn't be more serious when I say that I have learned that the relationships I have with my family are the most important. Don't ever let me forget that.
I headed back to South Dakota this weekend to visit a friend and spend some time with mom and dad. It was fun, and it was relaxing. Even waking up with a 22 pound bichon frisce on my head - yes - on my head - was worth it. We headed to a movie on Sunday, had an ever popular Sunday nap and just relaxed. It was a little on the spur of the moment side for me, but I'm happy I did that instead of staying in Omaha with nothing to do for the weekend. As usual I ate more servings of ice cream in one day than I usually do in one week, but, oh well. So what if my scrubs are a little tight this week, right?
I hope you're having a good time up there in heaven, playing lots of cards and such. Sometimes I see bags of twizzlers and think it would be okay to eat it for supper - in your honor - and then I remind myself that going up a pant size probably isn't the best way to remember you, so I just smile. You can buy twizzerls that are like 3 feet long now, I bet you would've got a kick out of them. Sure wish I could show you myself.
Love you,
Kristen
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Dear Grandma,
Today is a hard day for a lot of people, and even though I wasn't able to be there to share the day with the rest of the family, it hurts me just the same. Yesterday, under rain showers, all the little reminders we have of you, your life, and memories of family were spread across your lawn. People decided how much your memories were worth, because to them, they were just "things". Things to fill a space, to add to a collection, or to avoid having to spend the extra money to buy them new. I wasn't there physically, but believe me Grandma, I was there. The fact that I wasn't able to be there is bittersweet to me. I wanted to be there to help, to support, and to deal. But I didn't want to be there to see people bid on momentos of your life, and I certainly didn't want to watch your home become a vacancy. I want to remember it for what it means to me, and I want to hang on to it's smell, because even that memory will soon fade away, and I want to have it with me, as long as I can. Maybe if I never see that house empty I will never realize it is. Maybe that's a blessing, and maybe it's not. Yesterday it rained. Today the sun was shining, and although to many it may not be "better" we see you've kept your promise.
Things are rocky in Omaha, but only because one chapter is ending and as soon as it does, things will be better. I remind myself daily to hold my tongue and hold true to the person I am. Age, I'm learning, is teaching me that sometimes it's best to just sit back and let things happen as they will - and there is certainly truth to being the bigger person. Standing up for yourself doesn't always mean saying what's on your mind (even if I think it would make me feel better). So I play by the rules and sit back and watch. And I repeat your infamous quote over and over.....and over again. And I believe it, thankfully.
This will be a difficult week for many, and I'm hoping you'll try and get everyone through. I don't think anyone is even over the fact that you were diagnosed with cancer unexpectadly, and now, all the we had left of you has been dispersed. The greatest struggle is finding ways to make sure your legacy goes on forever. Easier said than done, but we're working on it. You'll never know how much I have learned and grown from all of this, you've helped me realize the person I am, and I am certainly thankful for that. You've given me more confidence and strength than even I thought possible and I feel it everyday. I'd prefer it in a letter or sitting across from you at the bowling alley over some grilled cheese, but I'll take all I can get.
Love you,
Kristen
Today is a hard day for a lot of people, and even though I wasn't able to be there to share the day with the rest of the family, it hurts me just the same. Yesterday, under rain showers, all the little reminders we have of you, your life, and memories of family were spread across your lawn. People decided how much your memories were worth, because to them, they were just "things". Things to fill a space, to add to a collection, or to avoid having to spend the extra money to buy them new. I wasn't there physically, but believe me Grandma, I was there. The fact that I wasn't able to be there is bittersweet to me. I wanted to be there to help, to support, and to deal. But I didn't want to be there to see people bid on momentos of your life, and I certainly didn't want to watch your home become a vacancy. I want to remember it for what it means to me, and I want to hang on to it's smell, because even that memory will soon fade away, and I want to have it with me, as long as I can. Maybe if I never see that house empty I will never realize it is. Maybe that's a blessing, and maybe it's not. Yesterday it rained. Today the sun was shining, and although to many it may not be "better" we see you've kept your promise.
Things are rocky in Omaha, but only because one chapter is ending and as soon as it does, things will be better. I remind myself daily to hold my tongue and hold true to the person I am. Age, I'm learning, is teaching me that sometimes it's best to just sit back and let things happen as they will - and there is certainly truth to being the bigger person. Standing up for yourself doesn't always mean saying what's on your mind (even if I think it would make me feel better). So I play by the rules and sit back and watch. And I repeat your infamous quote over and over.....and over again. And I believe it, thankfully.
This will be a difficult week for many, and I'm hoping you'll try and get everyone through. I don't think anyone is even over the fact that you were diagnosed with cancer unexpectadly, and now, all the we had left of you has been dispersed. The greatest struggle is finding ways to make sure your legacy goes on forever. Easier said than done, but we're working on it. You'll never know how much I have learned and grown from all of this, you've helped me realize the person I am, and I am certainly thankful for that. You've given me more confidence and strength than even I thought possible and I feel it everyday. I'd prefer it in a letter or sitting across from you at the bowling alley over some grilled cheese, but I'll take all I can get.
Love you,
Kristen
Monday, July 6, 2009
Dear Grandma,
I guess I learn more about people and what it means to be a friend every single day. I've learned that some friends were never your friend at all, and sometimes, it makes me mad for ever trying to be their's in the first place. But that's not true, it's not me. Two friends were involved in the situation I told you about the other night. One of those friends I have immense amounts of respect for and am thankful to call them a friend - lucky really. The other, like I said, did not hold the same respect for me as I did for them. I don't regret losing one because I was looking out for the other, maybe just the way it came about. I've definitely put in a lot of prayers about a lot of things having to do with this "friendship" and I think instead of lose sleep and wonder why, I need to realize I've gotten my answer. So thank you to everyone up there who helped me see.
I had a great weekend with family. A brother, a sister, and a mini duplicate of the two. Hannah loved the zoo, as I thought she would. The adults loved it, too...regardless of what anyone (Jason) might say. I couldn't tell you how many times I heard "what a zoo!" come out of his mouth, or "I'm so happy I came all the way to Omaha to go to super target." Whatever... we all had a good time at the zoo, even him! And lets face it, Target doesn't ever let ya down, definitely not Tonya, who was especially excited about the new cart design. =) I'm happy they came this weekend - they may have not known it - but it was a weekend when I needed them most. I'm lucky to have them and refuse to ever let anyone change the relationship we all have.
I've got a big week coming, Grandma. My boyfriend, Keith Urban, is coming back to Omaha this weekend and I can't begin to tell you how excited I am. I only hope that I don't find myself on the news, the paper or some tabloid for extreme stalking or anything like that =) Mom is coming to Omaha to go with me, she likes him too, just not quite to the stalker status that I do. She wasn't planning on, but plans changed and I was again reminded of how awesome it is to have a best friend in your mom and family that will literally drop anything to be right where you need them to be. She's a great mom, but she's so much more. She's fixed all my owies - both figuratively and literally...from a broken heart (ok, there have been more than one of those) to leaving me scar free from what some might call a pretty tragic shaving injury =) I'm looking foward to spending some time with her.
On top of everything I'm on call - and only get breaks for the concert and the wedding I have on Saturday. One of my co-workers is getting married, she is also originally from South Dakota and I have warned her numerous times about just how excited I am to celebrate her wedding - in true South Dakota nature. I hope Nebraska is ready for some South Dakota at a wedding dance. I should warn them that after a couple beers and a little music I start to think I'm Beyonce...unfortunately for me - and them!- I'm just a white girl with the jiggles.
The wedding is Saturday - the same day we say goodbye to all the little reminders we have of you. I've looked at the sale bill numerous times as my parents have asked me to do to see if there is anything I'd like - but I can't seem to find anywhere, "Grandma" "friend" "penpal"...so I'll pass. Everyone is being very strong, dad espcially. I know this is a trait I get from him. I also know that the sense of humor we all know Grandpa so well for lies now, in my dad. I can't tell you how many times that has gotten me through the day, a tough situation, or just a crabby mood. I'm sorry I can't be there that day, but promise me you will be. There are a few people who need you there, and you know who they are. Please stick around....and hang around to watch your daughters drink wine and dance around...it's hilarious. =)
Did you see all the fireworks on Saturday? It made me think of watching them in your backyard. We had a good time watching them over the trees of Omaha from my front steps, but it wasn't the same. Nothing will ever be quite the same.
Love you,
Kristen
I guess I learn more about people and what it means to be a friend every single day. I've learned that some friends were never your friend at all, and sometimes, it makes me mad for ever trying to be their's in the first place. But that's not true, it's not me. Two friends were involved in the situation I told you about the other night. One of those friends I have immense amounts of respect for and am thankful to call them a friend - lucky really. The other, like I said, did not hold the same respect for me as I did for them. I don't regret losing one because I was looking out for the other, maybe just the way it came about. I've definitely put in a lot of prayers about a lot of things having to do with this "friendship" and I think instead of lose sleep and wonder why, I need to realize I've gotten my answer. So thank you to everyone up there who helped me see.
I had a great weekend with family. A brother, a sister, and a mini duplicate of the two. Hannah loved the zoo, as I thought she would. The adults loved it, too...regardless of what anyone (Jason) might say. I couldn't tell you how many times I heard "what a zoo!" come out of his mouth, or "I'm so happy I came all the way to Omaha to go to super target." Whatever... we all had a good time at the zoo, even him! And lets face it, Target doesn't ever let ya down, definitely not Tonya, who was especially excited about the new cart design. =) I'm happy they came this weekend - they may have not known it - but it was a weekend when I needed them most. I'm lucky to have them and refuse to ever let anyone change the relationship we all have.
I've got a big week coming, Grandma. My boyfriend, Keith Urban, is coming back to Omaha this weekend and I can't begin to tell you how excited I am. I only hope that I don't find myself on the news, the paper or some tabloid for extreme stalking or anything like that =) Mom is coming to Omaha to go with me, she likes him too, just not quite to the stalker status that I do. She wasn't planning on, but plans changed and I was again reminded of how awesome it is to have a best friend in your mom and family that will literally drop anything to be right where you need them to be. She's a great mom, but she's so much more. She's fixed all my owies - both figuratively and literally...from a broken heart (ok, there have been more than one of those) to leaving me scar free from what some might call a pretty tragic shaving injury =) I'm looking foward to spending some time with her.
On top of everything I'm on call - and only get breaks for the concert and the wedding I have on Saturday. One of my co-workers is getting married, she is also originally from South Dakota and I have warned her numerous times about just how excited I am to celebrate her wedding - in true South Dakota nature. I hope Nebraska is ready for some South Dakota at a wedding dance. I should warn them that after a couple beers and a little music I start to think I'm Beyonce...unfortunately for me - and them!- I'm just a white girl with the jiggles.
The wedding is Saturday - the same day we say goodbye to all the little reminders we have of you. I've looked at the sale bill numerous times as my parents have asked me to do to see if there is anything I'd like - but I can't seem to find anywhere, "Grandma" "friend" "penpal"...so I'll pass. Everyone is being very strong, dad espcially. I know this is a trait I get from him. I also know that the sense of humor we all know Grandpa so well for lies now, in my dad. I can't tell you how many times that has gotten me through the day, a tough situation, or just a crabby mood. I'm sorry I can't be there that day, but promise me you will be. There are a few people who need you there, and you know who they are. Please stick around....and hang around to watch your daughters drink wine and dance around...it's hilarious. =)
Did you see all the fireworks on Saturday? It made me think of watching them in your backyard. We had a good time watching them over the trees of Omaha from my front steps, but it wasn't the same. Nothing will ever be quite the same.
Love you,
Kristen
Friday, July 3, 2009
Dear Grandma,
I hope you can see what's going on down here. I've learned a lot in the past few months about situations and know in my heart that things will be better this way. I think you know that too, and maybe you had a hand in this. Help me be stong, help me be smart, and help me remind myself who I am and what I believe in. I know there were people who were put in my life for a reason, and me in their's. I know that taking that road is part of a better plan and I know that leaving behind people in sitautions that are contradictions to what is right for me is for the better. I don't understand it completely, and definitely feel taken advantage of. But it certainly makes me appreciate a good friend and some sweet, innocent little babies. It hurts, but it's clear to me now. I can be the friend I need to be without regrets.
I just needed to clear my mind....
Thanks (as always) for listening
I love you,
Kristen
I hope you can see what's going on down here. I've learned a lot in the past few months about situations and know in my heart that things will be better this way. I think you know that too, and maybe you had a hand in this. Help me be stong, help me be smart, and help me remind myself who I am and what I believe in. I know there were people who were put in my life for a reason, and me in their's. I know that taking that road is part of a better plan and I know that leaving behind people in sitautions that are contradictions to what is right for me is for the better. I don't understand it completely, and definitely feel taken advantage of. But it certainly makes me appreciate a good friend and some sweet, innocent little babies. It hurts, but it's clear to me now. I can be the friend I need to be without regrets.
I just needed to clear my mind....
Thanks (as always) for listening
I love you,
Kristen
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Dear Grandma,
As I was driving to work today I heard a song that they played numerous times at the cancer walk a few weeks ago - and I guess I didn't even realize it until I heard it today. I teared up behind my sunglasses and started to think of all the reasons I missed you -they're countless, they really are. I was at your house a few weeks ago but it's nothing like it used to be. We were boxing up memories and to truth it, those things don't bother me much. The thing that I wanted to find the most in that house wasn't there. But it was good to spend time with family. Dad and I came over on the motorcycle, a past time I miss now being in Omaha. Mary, Linda and Barb were all there - it was great to see them, but this is very hard for them- it's obvious - and I don't blame them one bit...this was all very quick, Grandma...I just don't think anyone has had time to let it sink it. When the work had come to an end, I got out a cd I had burned for all the girls - songs they came up with at your house over a bottle of wine and spirits seemed to rise a bit. It was nice to see them smile and I'm happy I could help bring back some memories for them. Barb danced around the driveway like a goofball, Mary tried desperately to reel her back in. I laughed until my belly hurt, you would have liked it.
This past weekend I met my parents, the Renshaws and those Illinios Papes in Des Moine to camp. It was so humid that showers seemed like a waste of time and a neccessity all in the same. It was a well needed, very relaxing weekend that I think everyone needed. Jason and Tonya taught us a new card game, and even though we're all pretty sure they're big stinkin' cheaters, it was a blast and one I think (and hope) will stick around. I hate to say it, but had you been there, I don't think any of us would have gotten any banana bread. =) But many laughs were shared and we talked of you often, too. I stayed in the Renshaw camper because as usual I came solo. There were MANY reminders of you in there. Bittersweet.
Jason, Tonya and Hannah are coming to Omaha this weekend to finally get to that big zoo. I can't wait. You should see Miss Hannah, she's quite the character. She's probably one of the happiest one year olds I have ever seen which makes everyone around her happy, too. She's going to love the zoo, I think. I just hope it's not hot that day, cuz she sweats like her daddy. =) Now that her hair is shorter, she's got curls like him, too.
I hope you're all having a great time up there together and I hope it's all you've ever dreamed of - in fact, I'm sure it's more. We miss you, so stop down as often as you can. I would do anything for a tube of banana bread, but mostly - for the baker.
Love you,
Kristen
As I was driving to work today I heard a song that they played numerous times at the cancer walk a few weeks ago - and I guess I didn't even realize it until I heard it today. I teared up behind my sunglasses and started to think of all the reasons I missed you -they're countless, they really are. I was at your house a few weeks ago but it's nothing like it used to be. We were boxing up memories and to truth it, those things don't bother me much. The thing that I wanted to find the most in that house wasn't there. But it was good to spend time with family. Dad and I came over on the motorcycle, a past time I miss now being in Omaha. Mary, Linda and Barb were all there - it was great to see them, but this is very hard for them- it's obvious - and I don't blame them one bit...this was all very quick, Grandma...I just don't think anyone has had time to let it sink it. When the work had come to an end, I got out a cd I had burned for all the girls - songs they came up with at your house over a bottle of wine and spirits seemed to rise a bit. It was nice to see them smile and I'm happy I could help bring back some memories for them. Barb danced around the driveway like a goofball, Mary tried desperately to reel her back in. I laughed until my belly hurt, you would have liked it.
This past weekend I met my parents, the Renshaws and those Illinios Papes in Des Moine to camp. It was so humid that showers seemed like a waste of time and a neccessity all in the same. It was a well needed, very relaxing weekend that I think everyone needed. Jason and Tonya taught us a new card game, and even though we're all pretty sure they're big stinkin' cheaters, it was a blast and one I think (and hope) will stick around. I hate to say it, but had you been there, I don't think any of us would have gotten any banana bread. =) But many laughs were shared and we talked of you often, too. I stayed in the Renshaw camper because as usual I came solo. There were MANY reminders of you in there. Bittersweet.
Jason, Tonya and Hannah are coming to Omaha this weekend to finally get to that big zoo. I can't wait. You should see Miss Hannah, she's quite the character. She's probably one of the happiest one year olds I have ever seen which makes everyone around her happy, too. She's going to love the zoo, I think. I just hope it's not hot that day, cuz she sweats like her daddy. =) Now that her hair is shorter, she's got curls like him, too.
I hope you're all having a great time up there together and I hope it's all you've ever dreamed of - in fact, I'm sure it's more. We miss you, so stop down as often as you can. I would do anything for a tube of banana bread, but mostly - for the baker.
Love you,
Kristen
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