Dear Grandma,
It's Christmas Eve today and if the week hands me one more challenge I might possibly have to light something on fire. Don't worry though, that's a pretty common threat from me and I have yet to follow through. I've had so many frusterations with work this week I am going to bypass the subject completely. It would be a waste of time and it will only make me have to talk about it more. I have the blues and I knew I would. It's the first Christmas I have missed with my family since I have lived in Omaha, not that it will be "missed" just delayed. The traditions of Christmas Eve on Mary street are some of my favorites of all the year. I wish I was back home, having supper, going to church, opening presents - but I wll be here, nuring my sick kidneys and babysitting my pager all while anticipating the "bad" weather. I put that in quotations because some of these Nebraskans are whack jobs when it comes to weather and like dad said earlier this week "They panic and we South Dakotans get a six pack, put in a beatles cd and try to get the car stuck."

I wish I had more positive things to say this time around. I'm just really bummed and frusterated. The scare I had with my kidneys this morning has me paranoid and having the PA tell me that they would be concerned about cancer if I were a 60 year old overweight smoker. I know I'm not, but if there is one word that I would prefer never hear it's that one.

That being said, it's Christmas. I'm lucky to have a wonderful family, great friends. Christmas is when you make it and I am certainly looking foward to hitting the interstate on Wednesday to head home to celebrate the holidays with my family. It's just hard to watch everyone around here doing just that. I am thankful though, and I definitely shouldn't complain.

On the bright side I thought of somehting. This year I can spend Christmas with you. Because this year nobody can take that from me. So I'll see you on my couch this evening for a stack of Red Box movies.

Love you
Merry Christmas
Kristen

Dear Grandma,

I know it's been entirely too long since I've written. The holidays and the winter has been keeping me pretty busy and on top of all of that my computer got a virus. It's amazing that even technology gets sick. I am lucky enough to have a friend who's job is to take care of all of that, so he was able to fix the problem. Thank goodness he did, because Lord knows I would never have figured out and would have likely thrown my computer off the roof in the attempt.

Any break we thought we had gotten from winter this year was taken from us this past week. The snow hit Omaha - and hard - last Wednesday. So hard in fact that my roomate and I (and many other people) were stranded at home all day. Even my four wheel drive SUV couldn't make it through our street. I spent 20 minutes trying to get it back on the driveway after it had stubbornly planted itself in the middle of Franklin Street. The tires were spinnin' and the snow a'flyin...but she wasn't moving. Instead of risking our lives and sanity trying to get to work, Abby and I spent the afternoon in front of the fireplace watching movies and waiting for the snow plow. It was like the snow days we used to have in high school except I wasn't able to go back to bed and sleep until noon. Dang you adulthood and the fact that my body is programmed to be awake before 6 am. I couldn't even tell you how much snow we got, but it DUMPED snow for an entire day, and then spent another day blowing it into drifts across the streets of Omaha. It. was. a. mess. This week we've reached a new chapter "freezing drizzle and moron drivers." Please remind me again why I live in Nebraska.

This past weekend mom and dad were in town for mom's birthday. For months mom and I had dad believing they were coming to Omaha to celebrate mom's birthday - which was partially true. The "Surprise concert" that we were "taking mom" to was actually a surprise Beatles concert for dad. He was not especially excited to come all the way to Omaha to go out for supper, and boy was he surprised. I got him =) He thought for sure his birthday ended on the east coast...he's not the only one who can pull of secrets. =) We spent Saturday shopping and went out to eat for mom's birthday. It was a great weekend and I'm so happy they took the whole weekend and spent it with me. I'm certainly lucky.

Christmas is quickly approaching as is my dreaded week on call. Things are looking up though, there are going to be more people in Omaha over Christmas than I thought, one of my friends even invited me to eat with her family for Christmas. It still won't quite be the same and I will be missing my family, but it's nice to know I have options to keep myself occupied. Ive got my decorations up, my presents wrapped and have finally begun to get in the spirit, but, Christmas won't be Christmas for me until I'm home In Parkston with my family. I finally have Grandpa's star in Omaha. I remember the year we moved out of the house on 2nd and elm street - and away from the pretty star that hung on the street light on the corner each Christmas. I remember when you and Grandpa visited and presented me with my very own star for Mary street. That star now hangs on the wall in my duplex.

Things have really been going well with the exception of the general work frustrations. I'm happy and parts of my life that have seemed to be missing something are beginning to fill themselves in. I'm optimistic about the next year...hoepfully this will be the year I look back at and don't say "Boy, 2010 really blew." I've got high expectations. =)

I thought - very specifically - about you today at work. I remembered the day you came to the shop ... the first time I saw you after we found out you were sick. I rememvber the big smile on your face when you saw me and I remember the the hug where you squeezed me tighter than I thought your strength allowd. It's a great memory of a very difficult visit. My goodness I miss you.I thought of you again when I had a dipped Ritz (and then another). I'd give anything to make part of my trip to South Dakota in a couple weeks a detour through Amrour. But there's nothing worth seeing anymore in Armour....

I love you,
Kristen

I included a picture of my star from Grandpa, I thought he'd like to see it.

Dear Grandma,
Judging by the multitude of Christmas music on the radio and the fact that I finally got out my winter coat this morning, I would say it's safe to say the holiday season is here. We've skidded through Thangsgiving without any snow and pretty decent temperatures, so it's hard to believe Christmas is only a few weeks away. My christmas won't come until December 30th this year as I am on call through the actual holiday. I feel like I haven;t been back to South dakota in so long and I'm missing it especially right now - so I hope time does fly. I'm hoping that pushing our family Christmas back a week won't ruin it for everyone, I hope it still seems like Christmas. I was invited by a friend to her house on Christmas and I'll probably take her up on it granted I'm not at the hospital all day. Even if I am, I suppose it's ok. If I have to babysit my pager over Christmas 250 miles away from family, I would prefer to be busy and get the best out of the situation. And by that, I mean, a big fat check.

Although it only lasted for about an hour, we had our first glimpse of snow last night while I was running. It was those big fluffy flakes that basically splatter when they hit your face and melt as soon as they hit the ground - the pretty kind, and the kind that does not require to be shoveled from my driveway or scraped from my windshield - my favorite kind. Abby and I went to Target when I got home to get some more Christmas decorations for the duplex. I'm hoping to have some free time in between calls this weekend to get it all up. Mom is bringing the star Grandpa made me next weekend when her and dad come to Omaha. Now that I know I'll probably be in Omaha for awhile I feel like I can finally bring it here. It's my very favorite Christmas decoration and I will always remember the year he made it for me.

I spent some time over with my friend Blair this week and her sweet brand new little baby. I'm happy she'll be in town a couple nights a week because I certainly miss her being at work. I snuggled Baby Bristol for a couple hours, I forget how tiny babies are when they're first born. It's fun to watch Willow be a big sister..I can't wait until I can see Miss Hannah be a big sister. She's so sweet, I know she'll be great at it.

Please watch over all of us with all the traveling we're going to be doing over the next month or so. I guess I don't have numerous stops to make anymore, I suppose Christmas will take on entirely new traditions now and that's probably okay. We made your dipped ritz over Thanksgiving and mom promised to keep them until Christmas, I can't wait to fill my belly with them.

I'm trying to remind myself the things I'm thankful for (I truly do have so many), 'tis the season, afterall.

Love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
It's Thanksgiving - the first Thanksgiving we've had without you. We're in Illinios and we started our journey from Omaha last night with thoughts of you heavy on our minds. We knew something was missing already in the car ride and had to fill the void with a bag of red licorice we hunted down at a gas station at 10:30 pm. Even the smell of licorice makes us think of you.

It's been a great day which started this morning with a little pre-training training for the marathon - a 6 mile run around Jason and Tonya's community. This time last year we were spending our first holiday with the knowledge that our holidays with you were numbered. We called you last Thanksgiving and passed the phone around the room. Dad and I talked about this more than once. It's amazing that even things so small as a simple phone call can hold such a residence in our memories. But as I've said before - I think it's more the lack of opportunity that makes it such a reality now.


The Thanksgiving feast was probably one of the best I've had, a "my jeans don't fit the way they did three hours ago" kind of perfection. Tonya mastered Banana Cream pie again and I swear if I put my mind to it I could finish one of those on my own. I fear that someday someone will bet me to do it, becuase that's a bet I could never turn down. So, here we sit, a bit miserably, planning our Black Friday outings. Mom, Tonya and I are mapping out our route of attack as the boys simply sit back and roll their eyes. I think it's more about the thrill and the bonding than anything else to be honest - but it's a tradition we've all come to love. I'm not typically into shopping but somehow I am able to make an exception for it this one day out of the year. And I'm pretty used to being up at the crack of dawn, so that doesn't bother me one bit.

Saturday is our annnual all day baking extravaganza. I've added dipped Ritz to our endless list of recipes because next to licorice and banana bread they're a goodie that reminds me of you - one that I mostly remember having from you. I'm looking foward to it, but in my current "post turkey status", am dreading the cookie dough induced tummy ache I will have from it. This year mom got us all (including Miss Hannah) aprons and slippers for the big event. Hannah's pretty stinkin' cute in that mini apron - I gotta tell ya.

I hope you're doing something fun up there for the holiday, and I hope you have had the time in your busy day to sneak down and visit all of us if only for a minute or two. There are people all over who are hoping you're around.

Hannah wanted to leave a little message in this letter, so this is from her:
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2
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=)
Love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
I got called in at 3 am and on the drive into work I was thinking of you. I'm not sure what triggered it this time, but I was so lost in the thought that I never even turned the radio on. At 3 am, the radio and the ac on full blast are usually a requirement. Sometimes I even have to call the Parkston Hospital with the hope that mom is working nights to help wake me. I don't even remember what I was thinking about to be honest, but what I do remember is that when my thought had fizzled I realized how often I think of you still. I'm starting to feel the part of a loss when it gets harder than it was in the beginning. When everyone has forgotten and moved on with their lives and you're still stuck there with something missing..this empty hole that gets deeper everytime you realize you can never ever fill it. Although things may make it seem a little more shallow every now and then...what used to be there is now gone. And this is a brutal reality.

We've got a brand new, beautiful wing on 6th floor in the hospital. There are a couple in construction actually, but 6th east is finally complete. Each time a co-worker would go portable to this floor they would talk of how beautiful and spacious it is. I, like everyone else who hadn't been there, was excited to get a chance to go up there...to scan a patient without having to do serious furniture moving to allow enough room for our machine, to see the updated look of rooms that weren't built and decorated in the 1980s. I had overlooked one fact, a fact that hit me in the face the minute I walked into my patients room. When I walked in to scan my 50 year old patient who was without any hair anywhere on her face or head I quickly remembered where I was - the oncology floor. Of all the places in this medical center, there is nothing I hate more than oncology...nothing that makes me angrier than cancer. And as I had an everyday conversation about the episode of "The View" she was watching, I reminded myself - this woman is 50 years old. Do people with cancer get some huge rush of positivity? I'm thankful your battle with cancer was a short one - shorter than all the others I've seen in my family. I'm thankful you lived a long, happy and hopefully very rewarding life. I'm happy to have learned so much from you. But I'm so bitter - so very bitter that cancer has to exist. And so angry it happens to so many wonderful people. And each person I meet with cancer - young or old, male or female; becomes very personal for me. I'm so thankful for your strength and know of all that goes along with it - this is the part I need to grab hold of and learn something from.

Love you,
Kristen

Dear Grandma,
It's Tuesday morning, nearly the middle of November and almost time to face the holidays. I'm not dreading the holidays, I'm just not looking foward to them like I normally would. I'll still get to see the people that mean the world to me, even if it won't be on the holiday - but the holidays are when you make them, right? But holidays are also going to be a brutal reminder that someone is missing for the first time. At the same time, I didn't have an opportunity to spend my last Christmas with my last grandparent. It burned then, it burns a whole lot more now. I'm sure that on Christmas day when I am sitting on my couch with a lonely cup of coffee waiting for my pager to go off (or running like mad) you'll be there with me. I hope you will, anyway. I can't be angry about something that I've known all along to be part of my job and am lucky to have a family who is used to such a work schedule, lets just say I'll be happy next year when I know I've taken my turn. Mom has to work, too. I'm sure dad and Buddy will spend their Christmas eve watching Titanic or Down Periscope, Liar Liar...you know, one of those movies that they play on TBS at the same time everynight, back to back, for weeks on end. And he'll love it just like it's the first time he's ever seen it. That being said, I'm sure I'll pop in a movie I've seen a hundred times and laugh harder than the first time I've seen it, because I really am that easily entertained. Hopefully the week that follows we'll be able to celebrate Christmas as we always have, not even realizing the date.

My nexy couple months are so busy I feel like I may as well just hit the ground running. It's good to be busy, but it can be so exhausting at the same time. Thank God for 10 hour shifts that allow for a day off or I might never have clean laundry. In the next two weeks (starting yesterday) I am taking eight days of call. I am about as excited for this as I was to get my wisdom teeth out. I'll probably consume the same amount of ice cream I did for that also. It's a good time for it, I suppose, so you may as well just bring on the calls Bergan Mercy Medical Center.

I spent the weekend in Illinios and it was such a great idea. A very mellow weekend, but just exactly what I needed. I got there in the afternoon on Friday..we hung out, had supper (at which Miss Tonya made my very favorite cheesy corn) and just relaxed. Saturday was a day of shopping and pedicures for me and Tonya. It's not very often than Tonya and I are able to spend time together just the two of us, and we had a lot of catching up to do. She's such a great friend. Hannah is growing up so fast but she is such a fun little girl. I wish you could see her say "HI!" give kisses and torment the dog. Even if she does stick my whole entire nose in her mouth for a kiss, I'll take whatever I can get. =) She doesn't say a lot of words in "our language" yet, but she talks nonstop. She also does that little baby sign language - which makes me realize she's bilingual and already smarter than me.

I know that your banana bread production would be at it's peak right now and I sure am missing it. I can taste it just thinking about it - but I think it's more the theory behind it..and what the lack of it really means.

...I've missed you every minute since you've left.

Love, Kristen