Dear Grandma,
It's Thanksgiving - the first Thanksgiving we've had without you. We're in Illinios and we started our journey from Omaha last night with thoughts of you heavy on our minds. We knew something was missing already in the car ride and had to fill the void with a bag of red licorice we hunted down at a gas station at 10:30 pm. Even the smell of licorice makes us think of you.
It's been a great day which started this morning with a little pre-training training for the marathon - a 6 mile run around Jason and Tonya's community. This time last year we were spending our first holiday with the knowledge that our holidays with you were numbered. We called you last Thanksgiving and passed the phone around the room. Dad and I talked about this more than once. It's amazing that even things so small as a simple phone call can hold such a residence in our memories. But as I've said before - I think it's more the lack of opportunity that makes it such a reality now.
The Thanksgiving feast was probably one of the best I've had, a "my jeans don't fit the way they did three hours ago" kind of perfection. Tonya mastered Banana Cream pie again and I swear if I put my mind to it I could finish one of those on my own. I fear that someday someone will bet me to do it, becuase that's a bet I could never turn down. So, here we sit, a bit miserably, planning our Black Friday outings. Mom, Tonya and I are mapping out our route of attack as the boys simply sit back and roll their eyes. I think it's more about the thrill and the bonding than anything else to be honest - but it's a tradition we've all come to love. I'm not typically into shopping but somehow I am able to make an exception for it this one day out of the year. And I'm pretty used to being up at the crack of dawn, so that doesn't bother me one bit.
Saturday is our annnual all day baking extravaganza. I've added dipped Ritz to our endless list of recipes because next to licorice and banana bread they're a goodie that reminds me of you - one that I mostly remember having from you. I'm looking foward to it, but in my current "post turkey status", am dreading the cookie dough induced tummy ache I will have from it. This year mom got us all (including Miss Hannah) aprons and slippers for the big event. Hannah's pretty stinkin' cute in that mini apron - I gotta tell ya.
I hope you're doing something fun up there for the holiday, and I hope you have had the time in your busy day to sneak down and visit all of us if only for a minute or two. There are people all over who are hoping you're around.
Hannah wanted to leave a little message in this letter, so this is from her:
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2
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Love you,
Kristen
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Dear Grandma,
I got called in at 3 am and on the drive into work I was thinking of you. I'm not sure what triggered it this time, but I was so lost in the thought that I never even turned the radio on. At 3 am, the radio and the ac on full blast are usually a requirement. Sometimes I even have to call the Parkston Hospital with the hope that mom is working nights to help wake me. I don't even remember what I was thinking about to be honest, but what I do remember is that when my thought had fizzled I realized how often I think of you still. I'm starting to feel the part of a loss when it gets harder than it was in the beginning. When everyone has forgotten and moved on with their lives and you're still stuck there with something missing..this empty hole that gets deeper everytime you realize you can never ever fill it. Although things may make it seem a little more shallow every now and then...what used to be there is now gone. And this is a brutal reality.
We've got a brand new, beautiful wing on 6th floor in the hospital. There are a couple in construction actually, but 6th east is finally complete. Each time a co-worker would go portable to this floor they would talk of how beautiful and spacious it is. I, like everyone else who hadn't been there, was excited to get a chance to go up there...to scan a patient without having to do serious furniture moving to allow enough room for our machine, to see the updated look of rooms that weren't built and decorated in the 1980s. I had overlooked one fact, a fact that hit me in the face the minute I walked into my patients room. When I walked in to scan my 50 year old patient who was without any hair anywhere on her face or head I quickly remembered where I was - the oncology floor. Of all the places in this medical center, there is nothing I hate more than oncology...nothing that makes me angrier than cancer. And as I had an everyday conversation about the episode of "The View" she was watching, I reminded myself - this woman is 50 years old. Do people with cancer get some huge rush of positivity? I'm thankful your battle with cancer was a short one - shorter than all the others I've seen in my family. I'm thankful you lived a long, happy and hopefully very rewarding life. I'm happy to have learned so much from you. But I'm so bitter - so very bitter that cancer has to exist. And so angry it happens to so many wonderful people. And each person I meet with cancer - young or old, male or female; becomes very personal for me. I'm so thankful for your strength and know of all that goes along with it - this is the part I need to grab hold of and learn something from.
Love you,
Kristen
I got called in at 3 am and on the drive into work I was thinking of you. I'm not sure what triggered it this time, but I was so lost in the thought that I never even turned the radio on. At 3 am, the radio and the ac on full blast are usually a requirement. Sometimes I even have to call the Parkston Hospital with the hope that mom is working nights to help wake me. I don't even remember what I was thinking about to be honest, but what I do remember is that when my thought had fizzled I realized how often I think of you still. I'm starting to feel the part of a loss when it gets harder than it was in the beginning. When everyone has forgotten and moved on with their lives and you're still stuck there with something missing..this empty hole that gets deeper everytime you realize you can never ever fill it. Although things may make it seem a little more shallow every now and then...what used to be there is now gone. And this is a brutal reality.
We've got a brand new, beautiful wing on 6th floor in the hospital. There are a couple in construction actually, but 6th east is finally complete. Each time a co-worker would go portable to this floor they would talk of how beautiful and spacious it is. I, like everyone else who hadn't been there, was excited to get a chance to go up there...to scan a patient without having to do serious furniture moving to allow enough room for our machine, to see the updated look of rooms that weren't built and decorated in the 1980s. I had overlooked one fact, a fact that hit me in the face the minute I walked into my patients room. When I walked in to scan my 50 year old patient who was without any hair anywhere on her face or head I quickly remembered where I was - the oncology floor. Of all the places in this medical center, there is nothing I hate more than oncology...nothing that makes me angrier than cancer. And as I had an everyday conversation about the episode of "The View" she was watching, I reminded myself - this woman is 50 years old. Do people with cancer get some huge rush of positivity? I'm thankful your battle with cancer was a short one - shorter than all the others I've seen in my family. I'm thankful you lived a long, happy and hopefully very rewarding life. I'm happy to have learned so much from you. But I'm so bitter - so very bitter that cancer has to exist. And so angry it happens to so many wonderful people. And each person I meet with cancer - young or old, male or female; becomes very personal for me. I'm so thankful for your strength and know of all that goes along with it - this is the part I need to grab hold of and learn something from.
Love you,
Kristen
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Dear Grandma,
It's Tuesday morning, nearly the middle of November and almost time to face the holidays. I'm not dreading the holidays, I'm just not looking foward to them like I normally would. I'll still get to see the people that mean the world to me, even if it won't be on the holiday - but the holidays are when you make them, right? But holidays are also going to be a brutal reminder that someone is missing for the first time. At the same time, I didn't have an opportunity to spend my last Christmas with my last grandparent. It burned then, it burns a whole lot more now. I'm sure that on Christmas day when I am sitting on my couch with a lonely cup of coffee waiting for my pager to go off (or running like mad) you'll be there with me. I hope you will, anyway. I can't be angry about something that I've known all along to be part of my job and am lucky to have a family who is used to such a work schedule, lets just say I'll be happy next year when I know I've taken my turn. Mom has to work, too. I'm sure dad and Buddy will spend their Christmas eve watching Titanic or Down Periscope, Liar Liar...you know, one of those movies that they play on TBS at the same time everynight, back to back, for weeks on end. And he'll love it just like it's the first time he's ever seen it. That being said, I'm sure I'll pop in a movie I've seen a hundred times and laugh harder than the first time I've seen it, because I really am that easily entertained. Hopefully the week that follows we'll be able to celebrate Christmas as we always have, not even realizing the date.
My nexy couple months are so busy I feel like I may as well just hit the ground running. It's good to be busy, but it can be so exhausting at the same time. Thank God for 10 hour shifts that allow for a day off or I might never have clean laundry. In the next two weeks (starting yesterday) I am taking eight days of call. I am about as excited for this as I was to get my wisdom teeth out. I'll probably consume the same amount of ice cream I did for that also. It's a good time for it, I suppose, so you may as well just bring on the calls Bergan Mercy Medical Center.
I spent the weekend in Illinios and it was such a great idea. A very mellow weekend, but just exactly what I needed. I got there in the afternoon on Friday..we hung out, had supper (at which Miss Tonya made my very favorite cheesy corn) and just relaxed. Saturday was a day of shopping and pedicures for me and Tonya. It's not very often than Tonya and I are able to spend time together just the two of us, and we had a lot of catching up to do. She's such a great friend. Hannah is growing up so fast but she is such a fun little girl. I wish you could see her say "HI!" give kisses and torment the dog. Even if she does stick my whole entire nose in her mouth for a kiss, I'll take whatever I can get. =) She doesn't say a lot of words in "our language" yet, but she talks nonstop. She also does that little baby sign language - which makes me realize she's bilingual and already smarter than me.
I know that your banana bread production would be at it's peak right now and I sure am missing it. I can taste it just thinking about it - but I think it's more the theory behind it..and what the lack of it really means.
...I've missed you every minute since you've left.
Love, Kristen
It's Tuesday morning, nearly the middle of November and almost time to face the holidays. I'm not dreading the holidays, I'm just not looking foward to them like I normally would. I'll still get to see the people that mean the world to me, even if it won't be on the holiday - but the holidays are when you make them, right? But holidays are also going to be a brutal reminder that someone is missing for the first time. At the same time, I didn't have an opportunity to spend my last Christmas with my last grandparent. It burned then, it burns a whole lot more now. I'm sure that on Christmas day when I am sitting on my couch with a lonely cup of coffee waiting for my pager to go off (or running like mad) you'll be there with me. I hope you will, anyway. I can't be angry about something that I've known all along to be part of my job and am lucky to have a family who is used to such a work schedule, lets just say I'll be happy next year when I know I've taken my turn. Mom has to work, too. I'm sure dad and Buddy will spend their Christmas eve watching Titanic or Down Periscope, Liar Liar...you know, one of those movies that they play on TBS at the same time everynight, back to back, for weeks on end. And he'll love it just like it's the first time he's ever seen it. That being said, I'm sure I'll pop in a movie I've seen a hundred times and laugh harder than the first time I've seen it, because I really am that easily entertained. Hopefully the week that follows we'll be able to celebrate Christmas as we always have, not even realizing the date.
My nexy couple months are so busy I feel like I may as well just hit the ground running. It's good to be busy, but it can be so exhausting at the same time. Thank God for 10 hour shifts that allow for a day off or I might never have clean laundry. In the next two weeks (starting yesterday) I am taking eight days of call. I am about as excited for this as I was to get my wisdom teeth out. I'll probably consume the same amount of ice cream I did for that also. It's a good time for it, I suppose, so you may as well just bring on the calls Bergan Mercy Medical Center.
I spent the weekend in Illinios and it was such a great idea. A very mellow weekend, but just exactly what I needed. I got there in the afternoon on Friday..we hung out, had supper (at which Miss Tonya made my very favorite cheesy corn) and just relaxed. Saturday was a day of shopping and pedicures for me and Tonya. It's not very often than Tonya and I are able to spend time together just the two of us, and we had a lot of catching up to do. She's such a great friend. Hannah is growing up so fast but she is such a fun little girl. I wish you could see her say "HI!" give kisses and torment the dog. Even if she does stick my whole entire nose in her mouth for a kiss, I'll take whatever I can get. =) She doesn't say a lot of words in "our language" yet, but she talks nonstop. She also does that little baby sign language - which makes me realize she's bilingual and already smarter than me.
I know that your banana bread production would be at it's peak right now and I sure am missing it. I can taste it just thinking about it - but I think it's more the theory behind it..and what the lack of it really means.
...I've missed you every minute since you've left.
Love, Kristen
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Dear Grandma,
I'm sorry it's been a couple weeks since you have heard from me. I can't believe how quickly a schedule can fill up, but I suppose it's nice to have things to do and people to do them with. But it does leave you feeling like you can never catch up, and why I have any reason to even complain I don't know...I don't have anyone to worry about except myself and yet I find myself running crazy sometimes.
The weather has been pretty tolerable this week although the fact that it's dark so early now keeps me from appreciating it as much as I should. We're suppose to have beautiful days this weekend which should be perfect for my trip to Illinios. I'm so looking foward to this...we don't have much planned outside of some quality time and some Christmas shopping, but sometimes the best plans are one that aren't plans at all. I hate to constantly wish my life away, but I am certainly counting down the days this week. It's not very often that Tonya and I get time to just the two of us, but I'm lucky to have her and thankful she's close enough that I can do this. I'm excited to see Jason too, but for the sake of maintaining the assumption that we're siblings and could care less I'll pretend it's just part of the deal. I've got a good brother, even if he is currently in a shaving boycott and looks borderline homeless. =) Just Kidding. I'm excited to see how much Miss Hannah has grown and hope she is in good spirits after her weekend of ear infections and broken bones =( I'll tell ya, a picture of a one year old smiling behind her bink despite her fresh cast makes you realize things are only as bad as you make them. What a sweet little honey.
I still work in a hospital which seems to be full of hypocrits that seem to care about nothing but money despite the "mission", but I suppose it doesn't make me love what I do any less - just makes me consider going to happy hour 93% of the time (even though I never actually follow through). It'll get better, It'll get better, It'll get better.....tomorrow WILL be better. Unfortunately, tomorrow for Alegent Health seems to take 12 months and counting. So in the meantime I stand for what I believe and drink a WHOLE lotta coffee.
This past weekend I finally got to see Allison and realized how much I miss talking to her. It's amazing how you let great people in your life fade away without realizing it because you get "too busy". Luckily, four years later, we started off right where we left off and nothing had changed. I need to remind myself not to let that happen again....with anyone..
There is some place I need you to be this weekend and I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. A lot of people need you there, actually. I can't be there and I don't know that I should if I could even if I wanted to. Be a reminder to those who need one and encouragement for those who need to stand their ground. Because some things get entirely too out of hand and people seem to forget what's important and what's right.
I'm freezing at work today, but the leaves are yellow and falling like snow, and it's hard to be cranky about something so beautiful...
I really wish we didn't have to face the holidays without you.
Love you,
Kristen
Ps. My dad is on facebook and mom sent me an email. All in one day. I love the fact that my parents are getting in tune with technology as much as the next guy. I'm just afraid that hell is freezing over or that pigs are flying somewhere. =) But it does make communication a whole lot easier so if you had a hand on this thanks (but I hope you know what you've gotten yourself into. =)
I'm sorry it's been a couple weeks since you have heard from me. I can't believe how quickly a schedule can fill up, but I suppose it's nice to have things to do and people to do them with. But it does leave you feeling like you can never catch up, and why I have any reason to even complain I don't know...I don't have anyone to worry about except myself and yet I find myself running crazy sometimes.
The weather has been pretty tolerable this week although the fact that it's dark so early now keeps me from appreciating it as much as I should. We're suppose to have beautiful days this weekend which should be perfect for my trip to Illinios. I'm so looking foward to this...we don't have much planned outside of some quality time and some Christmas shopping, but sometimes the best plans are one that aren't plans at all. I hate to constantly wish my life away, but I am certainly counting down the days this week. It's not very often that Tonya and I get time to just the two of us, but I'm lucky to have her and thankful she's close enough that I can do this. I'm excited to see Jason too, but for the sake of maintaining the assumption that we're siblings and could care less I'll pretend it's just part of the deal. I've got a good brother, even if he is currently in a shaving boycott and looks borderline homeless. =) Just Kidding. I'm excited to see how much Miss Hannah has grown and hope she is in good spirits after her weekend of ear infections and broken bones =( I'll tell ya, a picture of a one year old smiling behind her bink despite her fresh cast makes you realize things are only as bad as you make them. What a sweet little honey.
I still work in a hospital which seems to be full of hypocrits that seem to care about nothing but money despite the "mission", but I suppose it doesn't make me love what I do any less - just makes me consider going to happy hour 93% of the time (even though I never actually follow through). It'll get better, It'll get better, It'll get better.....tomorrow WILL be better. Unfortunately, tomorrow for Alegent Health seems to take 12 months and counting. So in the meantime I stand for what I believe and drink a WHOLE lotta coffee.
This past weekend I finally got to see Allison and realized how much I miss talking to her. It's amazing how you let great people in your life fade away without realizing it because you get "too busy". Luckily, four years later, we started off right where we left off and nothing had changed. I need to remind myself not to let that happen again....with anyone..
There is some place I need you to be this weekend and I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. A lot of people need you there, actually. I can't be there and I don't know that I should if I could even if I wanted to. Be a reminder to those who need one and encouragement for those who need to stand their ground. Because some things get entirely too out of hand and people seem to forget what's important and what's right.
I'm freezing at work today, but the leaves are yellow and falling like snow, and it's hard to be cranky about something so beautiful...
I really wish we didn't have to face the holidays without you.
Love you,
Kristen
Ps. My dad is on facebook and mom sent me an email. All in one day. I love the fact that my parents are getting in tune with technology as much as the next guy. I'm just afraid that hell is freezing over or that pigs are flying somewhere. =) But it does make communication a whole lot easier so if you had a hand on this thanks (but I hope you know what you've gotten yourself into. =)
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